A Good Man
by NickandLiv
Summary: How does Olivia rebuild her life after the horror she suffered at the hands of William Lewis? With the love of a good man by her side! Bensidy.
1. Beginning Again

**I WROTE THIS STORY FOR TWO REASONS. 1. BECAUSE MY TWITTER BESTIE IS A BENSIDY FAN AND, 2. BECAUSE I WANTED TO SEE IF I COULD WRITE OBJECTIVELY ABOUT SOMETHING THAT I HATE SO MUCH. **

**THERE ARE A FEW THINGS THAT I CHANGED IN THIS STORY. BRIAN NEVER LOST HIS SHIELD. THERE WAS NO HOOKER SCANDAL FOR HIM AND HE IS A DETECTIVE, FIRST GRADE IN VICE. SINCE THERE WAS NO HOOKER SCANDAL FOR HIM, THERE WAS NEVER A CYNTHIA. SHE AND GILBERTO DO NOT EXIST! (I hate her anyway) ALTHOUGH IT IS ONLY IMPLIED. OLIVIA WAS RAPED BY WILLIAM LEWIS. THAT BEING SAID, I PRESENT MY STORY. YOU KNOW THE DISCLAIMER, I OWN NOTHING. DICK WOLF IS GOD, NBC IS THE HOLY GHOST AND UNIVERSAL IS THE MESSIAH. IT'S THEIR WORLD AND I'M JUST PLAYING IN IT! **

* * *

**BENSIDY APARTMENT**

It was a little after nine pm and Olivia had just finished showering and preparing for bed. She stood in front of the bathroom mirror, having just brushed her teeth, and a smile suddenly appeared. She couldn't remember a time in her life when she felt as peaceful as she did right now. She was in love with a wonderful man who loved her more than even she could ever imagine. It had been a tumultuous road for them, but right now they were truly happy. It was crazy to think how it had almost been destroyed.

It had been six months since her world had been torn apart. Six months since she had been forced to reevaluate and rebuild her entire life and He had gone above and beyond to make sure that she would be okay again.

The funny thing was, before this had happened, she had been unsure about exactly where their relationship was going. She cared for him, this much she knew, but still, she couldn't help feeling that maybe he wasn't what she needed; that she was kidding herself into seeing what she wanted him to be, when the truth was, Brian was often petulant and immature and she didn't know if she could build from that; or if she even wanted to for that matter! Yet lo and behold, one day the universe up and shifted and she found herself on a course that changed everything she thought she knew. And when it all fell completely apart, Brian was the one who painstakingly put it all back together.

He had been a Godsend. He had been her rock, her backbone during the worst time in her life; a time that not only changed her, but changed him as well. The hell she'd endured during those 4 days with William Lewis seemed like a walk in the park compared to the hell she went through in its aftermath. For 2 months after her attack, she had nightmares that were so vivid, she would wake up screaming in sheer terror, often ending up crouched in a corner, in a trans-like state, shaking and crying uncontrollably and Brian would be right there to talk her through it, no matter how long it took, even if it meant that he himself got no sleep.

He'd held her hand through the rape exam, comforting her as best he could and reminding her why it was important when it became too much for her and she would cry for it to stop. He'd seen her injuries and it had taken everything in him to fight his tears as well as his rage from surfacing because he knew that falling apart was not an option.

He'd even taken a 6 week leave from the department in order to be there for her, and he was. He was there through every meltdown, every flashback. Every single time she'd be so completely overwhelmed that she couldn't breathe, he was right there. He would talk to her, listen to her, comfort her, hold her, reassure her; whatever she needed, even if what she needed was to take her anger out on him, he allowed it and he did it all with patience, love and understanding, never once putting demands on her. There were times where she didn't want to be touched or looked at but then there were times when all she wanted was to be in his arms; to feel his strength and know that she was safe. He liked those times.

During these past six months, she began seeing Brian in a new light and it washed away every doubt she had about where she belonged; she knew it was with him.

She walked out of the bathroom, surprised to see him there in their bedroom. Vice had been working a particularly tough case and with Brian being the lead detective, he'd been keeping crazy hours lately, sometimes not getting in until three or four in the morning if at all.

"You're home early." She said as she stood in front of him where he was sitting on the bed and kissed him sweetly on the lips.

"We finally got a break in the case so I thought I'd come home to my favorite girl." He said as he wrapped his arms around her waist. "Mmm, you smell good!" He said and pulled her in for another kiss. She smiled and it was quiet for a moment as she looked into his eyes as if searching for something.

"What?" he wondered.

"I love you so damn much!" she told him as she caressed his face. "I don't think I tell you enough how blessed I am to have you!"

"Not nearly as blessed as I am to have you. I love you Liv, I just hope that one day, you'll know how much!"

"I already do!" She smiled. He pulled her closer and their lips met again. He was always careful to not give too much. He knew that she was still gun-shy when it came to intimacy. She would snuggle up in his arms and over the last couple months, she had allowed kissing but that's as far as it had gone ever since… he quickly pushed the thought out of his mind and just as quickly replaced it with the last time they had been together six months prior, a lazy Sunday morning. He remembered how good it felt to be inside of her, her legs around his waist as her pinned her arms down and fucked her hard. She loved it when he took control. He wondered if he'd ever be that way with her again and he could feel himself getting hard.

"Bri?" he suddenly snapped out of his reverie.

"I'm sorry Babe."

"Where'd you go just now?"

"…um, nowhere." I'm gonna go use the bathroom, I'll be right back." He said as he moved to get up but she put her hands on his shoulders and gently pushed him back down.

"You don't need that tonight." She told him and moved closer. He was a little embarrassed, she knew.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you have had the patience of a saint." She caressed his face. "You can give your hand the night off." She leaned in and kissed him seductively on the lips.

"Liv, you don't have to-"

"No, but I want to!" As they kissed, she climbed onto his lap, wrapping her long legs around him.

"Are you sure about this?"

She smiled and pulled him for another kiss. He was hesitant at first but soon his mouth was crashing over hers, kissing her passionately while his hands found their way underneath her shirt and caressed the silky skin of her back. The feeling of being able to touch her like this going straight to his dick and, this time she didn't stop him, she wrapped herself tighter around him, moaning into his mouth when she felt his erection against her. Suddenly, she felt his hands begin to move from her back, around to her breasts and she panicked, quickly pushing his hands off. The mood had been killed.

"What's wrong?"

"Just…not there."

"Liv, it's ok. You don't hav-"

"Please, baby." He saw the look in her eyes and his heart broke. Most of what had been inflicted on her body during the attack had healed and was no longer noticeable, but there were areas with injuries that had been so severe, she would forever carry ugly scars as a reminder. Her left breast was one such area.

"I don't ever want you to feel ashamed with me." he said as she looked away from him. "Hey." He gently turned her head to look at him. "I love you…all of you. And a few scars won't change that." It was silent for a moment as a tear slid down her cheek.

"I still feel so…ugly." She murmured. He wiped her tears as his eyes looked deep into her own, speaking so softly to her, it barely registered above a whisper.

"No. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on; every inch of you!" she didn't speak as more tears fell. "I love you and I don't want you carry this shame because there's nothing for you to be ashamed of. Please, let me see you."

"I can't."

"you can…" he assured her as he caressed her face. "you just have to trust me." he said softly while tracing a path from her cheek, down to her collarbone and finally to the buttons on her nightshirt and let his hands rest there, refusing to go any further without her permission and, never once breaking contact with her eyes.

"Bri-"

"it's alright…you gotta trust me, Liv." she took a deep breath while closing her eyes, allowing the last of her tears to fall and swallowing the lump in her throat. When she opened them again, she shuddered, biting her lip. There was so much love in his eyes. It was the same love that had given her the strength to survive after literally being put through hell. Right there, in that moment, she again drew on that strength, knowing that it was time to shed that last vestige of the hold that Lewis had on her life.

Slowly, she removed his hands from her shirt, nervously resting them on her thighs.

"Baby, I promise, it'll be ok." He assured her again. She let out a deep breath, and with shaking hands, she began to undo her buttons. He sat watching her, not saying a word, knowing that this had to be on her terms or not at all, and he wouldn't have had it any other way.

When she finally undid the last button, she sat there for a long moment, holding her shirt closed, her hands trembling. Slowly, she opened it and then quickly let it fall away from her body, leaving her in nothing but her panties. She made no attempt to shield her nakedness from his eyes. She just sat there on his lap in silence, completely vulnerable, waiting for his reaction.

He didn't say a word. Instead he allowed his actions to speak for him. He let his eyes drink her in. They traveled wondrously over every inch of her every curve before slowly reaching out to touch the long, raised scar at her right hip. She drew in her breath when his fingers made contact, feeling his warmth radiate through her entire body. He lingered there for a moment, lovingly stroking the angry, red welt as if trying to soothe the hate with which it was inflicted before travelling higher, skimming over a trail of healed cuts and burns. When he reached her breast he suddenly stopped. It boasted a large crescent-shaped burn that began at the top of the outer swell and continued down, stopping an inch below the nipple. She felt her anxiety rise as his fingers began to smooth over the scorched flesh.

"You're so perfect!" he said, marveling at the grotesque scar as if it was a beautiful work of art and slowly, she felt her apprehension begin to dissipate. He leaned in closer and began planting kisses on and around it. Her hands immediately went to the back of his neck and she sucked in her breath when she felt the stubble from his chin brush against her nipple, causing it to harden immediately. In seconds, he was teasing it with his tongue before he drew it into his mouth.

"Baby!" she moaned, throwing her head back while running her fingers through his hair. She had forgotten how good it felt to be with him like this. He released her nipple and nuzzled his way up to her neck where he kissed, sucked and licked at the sensitive spot that he knew all-too-well would make her crazy.

"Oh God!" she gasped as her eyes rolled. It had been too long but he had hit the spot with perfect precision. She suddenly felt the urge start to build between her legs and it took her completely by surprise. Then, just as unexpectedly, her whole body was on fire!

"Make love to me…now!" she cried. She pulled his head away from her neck and held it, kissing him deep and passionately before he took control, and in one quick move, had her down on her back, on the bed, him on top as they continued kissing.

Their lovemaking was beautiful and gentle; him savoring every inch of her body. He had missed the feel of her, the taste of her, the sound of her and he took his time to let her know exactly how much he had. They lay in each other's arms when it was over, tangled up in the sheets, listening to the sound of the rain falling softly outside. He looked down at her when he felt tears on his chest.

"… you ok?"

"…yeah."

"Why the tears?"

"…Because, for the first time in my life, it doesn't feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop."

"and as long as I'm breathing, you never will again… I love you Liv!" she looked up at him, smiling.

"Why don't you show me again? Just…not quite so gentle this time, I won't break." A huge grin spread across his face before her smothered her lips with his kiss. God, how he loved this woman!

* * *

**SIX WEEKS LATER**

Thirteen days before Christmas and she had been sick for an entire week. Half the precinct was out with the flu right now but unlike everyone else, she refused to stay home, feeling as if she'd already missed enough time while recuperating from her attack over the summer. Today however, was actually her day off and she was thankful because she just didn't have the strength to drag herself in to work.

"Good Morning, Beautiful." Brian greeted as he stepped into the bedroom with a tray of breakfast. The smell of the eggs hit her nose and Olivia jumped out of bed and ran to the bathroom. She quickly dropped to her knees in front of the toilet and began throwing up. Brian put the tray down on the dresser and within seconds, he was right beside her, holding her hair back. "I'd hoped you'd be feeling better this morning."

"I'll be fine."

"Maybe you should see a doctor."

"I just need to rest." she insisted and inhaled deep. That triggered the nausea and she threw up again and immediately again before closing the lid and flushing. She leaned on the lid, resting her head on her arms, and groaned at the burning in her throat. She stayed in that position for a moment. She was so dizzy.

"Let's get you back to bed."

"okay." She agreed but made no attempt to move. He scooped her up and she didn't argue; she was too weak. She just lay there in his arms and allowed him to put her to bed. She didn't know how she could be this tired after just waking up. _Maybe I should ease up a little with work until I feel better_. She thought to herself.

"Liv, you gotta stop pushing yourself so hard" Brian said on cue as if reading her mind. She gave a weak smile.

"Get outta my head."

"You wanna try a little breakfast?" she simply shook her head no. "Liv, please, you gotta eat something."

"I can't keep anything down." That, plus she had been throwing up day and night for a week and her throat was raw.

"Okay. Um, tea. I made you some tea!" He went to the dresser and got it from the tray then sat beside her on the bed. "just a couple sips, it's your favorite, peppermint." Just the smell of the mint made her feel like gagging and she pushed the mug away.

"No."

"Please babe, for me. You have to stay hydrated." He was obviously worried. He'd never seen her so sick.

"No tea. Water." She insisted.

"Water it is!" He was relieved that she'd agreed to drink something, he put the tea back on the tray and carried everything out of the room, hurrying to the kitchen to get the water. He came back a moment later carrying several bottles Fiji.

"Bri!"

"I know, I know." He said as he arranged the bottles on the nightstand. "…just making sure you have as much as you need." As miserable as she was feeling, she couldn't help but smile.

"you take such good care of me."

"and I always will!" he kissed her on the forehead and opened a bottle before handing it to her. She put the bottle to her lips and sipped slowly. "Maybe you should think about taking a couple more days off until you're feeling better.

"I'm sure I'll be fine tomorrow. Speaking of work, you're gonna be late."

"If you need me to stay…"

"Stop worrying. I have no plans to get out of this bed today."

"Do you have any idea how sexy that would sound if you weren't sick?"

"Get out!" she laughed.

"I'm going!" he kissed her on the lips. "I'll see you tonight… Hydrate!"

"Yes, Dr. Cassidy!" he smiled before kissing her again.

"Okay." He kissed her again. "I gotta go" …then, twice more before leaving the bedroom. "Call if you need me!" she heard from the hall before hearing the door slam shut. She took another drink from her water bottle before recapping it and sitting it beside the others on the nightstand. She let out a deep breath and settled against the pillows, closing her eyes and praying that she could get through the rest of the day without her head in the toilet. Her prayers quickly proved to be in vain as her stomach turned and she went flying to the bathroom.

* * *

**LATER THAT AFTERNOON…**

It was just after 1pm and Olivia was sleeping soundly; her nausea having finally settled down a few hours ago. Suddenly her phone began ringing and she groaned in protest as it jarred her from her sleep. She thought about not answering but after a couple more rings she decided that it might be important and reached over to the nightstand and picked it up, answering before she checked the caller ID.

"Benson"

"Liv, hey, it's Nick. I'm sorry to bother you on your day off, especially with you bein' sick…"

"Nick, it's ok."

"How are you feelin', by the way?"

"Lousy. What's going on?" he couldn't help but smile. That's his partner, always straight to the point.

"uh, Janine Nicholson, you remember?"

"Yeah, the DV case we caught a month ago. She said her husband raped her but then she said she was confused and it didn't happen. Has she changed her mind about pressing charges?

"We got another call about an hour ago, another domestic disturbance at her apartment. Neighbor called it in. We got there and she was pretty banged up. We found the husband in the kitchen with eleven stab wounds…eight of them to him penis." Olivia's mouth dropped.

"anyway, we're here at Mercy. She's willing to give a statement but she'll only talk to you." Olivia sighed.

"Keep her calm. I'm on my way."

"Liv, you're sick"

"I'm on my way!" She took a moment before throwing back the covers and getting out of bed but felt dizzy as soon as she stood up so she sat back down. After a few seconds, she got up and made her way to her dresser where she grabbed a pair of jeans and a tee shirt and tossed them on the bed before heading to the bathroom for a quick shower.

* * *

**MERCY HOSPITAL**

Nick looked over at his partner when she'd arrived; she was obviously not well and he immediately regretted calling her to come here in the first place.

A couple hours later, Olivia was still at the hospital with Janine. The young woman was terrified after having had to resort to stabbing her husband to fend off a vicious rape and beating. She had recounted to Olivia every detail she could recall in her agitated state. Olivia listened empathetically and assured her that everything would be ok. Suddenly, she felt as if her head was spinning and she took a deep breath but it wasn't deep enough. She felt like she needed air.

"Janine, I'm gonna step outside for just a second." She slowly got up from her chair. She was dizzy and her head was pounding. She staggered as she took a step.

"Liv, you ok?" Nick rushed over to her, wrapping his arm around her waist to steady her.

"I'm fine" She said as they walked out of the room.

"bullshit! I'm taking you home!"

"I can't just leave…"

"Look, it's either me, or I call Cassidy to come get you. Either way, you are going home!"

She wanted to protest but she knew he was right. She felt terrible and needed to be in bed.

"Ok. I'm just gonna make sure Janine is alright before I go." She turned and took a step towards the room, the second she did, her body let her know that it had had enough. She knew that she was going to faint and she called out to her partner in a weak, barely audible voice.

"Nick…" He turned around just as she collapsed and he caught her in his arms. She was out cold.

"SHE NEEDS HELP, GET A DOCTOR!" he yelled as he lifted her limp body. She looked so small and helpless lying there in his arms. "Liv, come on, don't do this open your eyes Liv!" but she wasn't responsive and he felt as if he were in a haze. He had no idea who took her from his arms, or how he answered the questions that the ER staff asked him. All he knew was that he found himself pacing the ER over an hour later, desperate to hear that she'd be ok. He needed for her to be ok. He should never have called her. He knew he shouldn't have but Janine had been so traumatized and insisted on talking to her. No, that's was no excuse. He knew how sick she was, he should have called Rollins – but then if he hadn't called Olivia and she had found out, she would have handed his ass to him and he knew it. He smiled. That was one of the things he loved so much about her, she was so dedicated. He looked again at his watch and his nervousness set in all over again. Why hadn't he heard anything?

* * *

She slowly opened her eyes and grimaced at the bright lights above her, quickly closing them again and groaning at the pain in her head.

"Detective Benson?" she heard a voice call to her. She turned her head in the direction the voice was coming from and forced herself to open her eyes again.

"Good to see you're awake." The nurse smiled. "I'm Gina."

"What happened?"

"You fainted, but you'll be fine. I'll go and let the Doctor know that you're awake, he should be in shortly. You just relax."

"Is my partner still here?"

"Gorgeous man that was with you?" Olivia laughed to herself. "He's right outside. I'll send him in."

"Thank you." Gina left and Olivia looked around the cubicle. She was hooked up to a blood pressure monitor on her upper arm, a heart rate monitor on the tip of her index finger, and there was an IV drip attached to the back of her hand. She couldn't help but think how silly it was that they were making such a fuss over someone who fainted when there were actual sick people in this place.

Outside in the waiting room, Nurse Gina approached a nervous looking Nick.

"Detective Amaro?" he snapped to attention.

"How is she?"

"She's awake and asking for you." He let out a sigh of relief. "Follow me, I'll take you back." Gina couldn't believe how beautiful the man was. She definitely didn't meet many men like him in her line of work.

As he followed her through the ER, she figured she might as well take a shot.

"So Detective, I was wondering if maybe I could see you again…outside of work."

"I'm sorry?"

"You know, maybe we could meet up for coffee…or something!" Nick smiled, flattered at the offer, but…

"Uhhh…sorry sweetheart, but…I'm married." He lied. Sure, it was still technically true. His divorce hadn't been finalized yet so he was still _legally _Maria's husband.

"Of course you are!" She was thoroughly embarrassed. "I'm so sorry."

"It's ok…Gina, was it?" she nodded, feeling like an idiot. "Don't worry about it."

"Um, your friend, she's in the third cubicle, straight down, on the right."

"Thanks."

Olivia was waiting for the Doctor to come in when Nick tapped on the partially open glass door before stepping inside.

"Hey. How do you feel?" he asked as he took a seat in the chair against the wall after bringing it to her bedside.

"Still lousy, but better." She smiled

"That's good to hear." He sat fidgeting with his tie. He didn't know what to say to her without sounding like a blubbering idiot so he waited for her to speak.

"You didn't call Brian did you?"

"No. I uh, I figured you wouldn't want to worry him until we knew…"

"Thank you." He nodded.

"Look, Liv I'm sorry. If I hadn't called you down here…"

"Nick, stop it. If it's anybody's fault, it's mine. This flu has been kicking my ass and I knew that I was too sick to be here but I came anyway. Don't beat yourself up, you did the right thing." She squeezed his shoulder, giving him a warm smile. Just then, the Doctor walked in.

"Detective Benson, I'm Doctor Jackson, how are you feeling?"

"…better than when I got here. Is the IV really necessary?" Nick stood up.

"I'll give you some privacy."

'Nick, it's alright. Stay.

"You fainted because you were severely dehydrated. We had to get fluids in you as fast as possible."

"That explains the headaches and the dizziness."

"Yes and no. Are you sure you want him to stay?"

"Yes, now what do you mean?"

"Headaches and dizziness are definite effects of dehydration but in your case, dehydration isn't the only cause – at least not for the dizzy spells."

"That on top of my flu…"

"You don't have the flu."

"What?"

"We ran a culture, no signs of influenza. We also did blood work and I just got the results back from the lab. Congratulations. You're pregnant!" Both, Olivia and Nick's eyes went wide as they looked at each other in disbelief. A huge smile spread across Nicks face. He knew what this would mean to Olivia once it had time to sink in and he was thrilled for her.

"What?" She was in complete shock.

"According to your hormone levels you're about six weeks along." Olivia just sat there, her mouth open, a blank expression on her face.

'I'm… pregnant?" she was still trying to process the news.

"You are."

"So, the dizzy spells…"

"Pregnant." The doctor replied.

"…and the fatigue…" it was slowly sinking in.

"Pregnant." He said again

"the nausea, the vomiting…" this time it was Nick who spoke up.

"Liv, pregnant and pregnant!" You're gonna have a baby! Tears fell from her eyes as a sob escaped her mouth. She usually refrained from being so emotional around others but right now, she didn't care. She had just received the greatest news of her life and she was overjoyed. So overjoyed, that she threw her arms around Nick and cried while he held her. She couldn't wait to tell Brian!

**I'm really interested in know what you guys think so please leave reviews!**

**s/n Cynthia was only ever mentioned because Brian's lawyer found her to discredit Nick. If Brian had never gone to trial, Cynthia would have never come up, and since Nick ever talked about her, she never existed in SVU world! **


	2. Christmas Joy

**I AM TRULY TOUCHED AT ALL THE POSITIVE FEEDBACK I'VE GOTTEN ON THIS STORY. THANK YOU ALL FOR READING IT, I PROMISE I WILL KEEP IT INTERESTING UNTIL THE END. HERE'S PART 2. I KNOW THAT IT'S A BIT SHORT BUT I HONESTLY DIDN'T FEEL THAT IT NEEDED ANYTHING MORE. THE NEXT CHAPTER WILL BE LONGER. ENJOY!**

* * *

**CHRISTMAS EVE**

She had been keeping her secret for two whole weeks. Two weeks of reveling in complete joy at the life growing inside her. She almost told Brian the day she found out but she thought about it and decided that she wanted to wait until Christmas to tell him the news. It had been a challenge keeping it under wraps especially with her symptoms in full swing. The pre-natal vitamins helped to alleviate her tiredness, but, they aggravated her morning sickness. She would be extremely nauseous until noon. Then, without fail, as soon as 6pm rolled around, she'd be on her knees retching violently and cursing the day she went off the pill. In addition, her hormones were making her cry at the slightest thing. Just yesterday, her desk drawer was stuck and she burst into tears, leaving Fin at a complete loss for words!

Nick was still the only person who knew about the baby and she made him swear to keep it to himself. She had no intention of anyone else finding out before Brian did so she made every effort to hide how sick she felt. Nick was a huge help. Every morning he would bring her club soda to help with her nausea but he'd put it in a coffee tumbler so that no one would question why she was drinking it. During the day, he would make sure that she took breaks if she looked tired and came up to the cribs to check on her to make sure that she was actually resting. Their friendship grew even stronger over him sharing something so personal with her. She knew nothing about what to expect, but he had been through it with Maria and was a welcome wealth of knowledge. She would often find herself amused at the fact that Nick, her _male_ partner was her pregnancy buddy. But, neither Alex, nor Casey or Amanda could give much advice seeing as they'd never gone through it themselves. Besides, Casey and Alex were now thousands of miles away, Casey now an ADA in Los Angeles, and Alex being the Senior Legal Advisor for a women's rights advocacy group in Seattle.

* * *

She stood by the window, staring out at the city, admiring how beautiful it was when it snowed. She and Brian had decided to skip the parties they'd been invited to and just have a quiet Christmas Eve at home. Not since she was a child had she been so excited about the holidays. Brian wanted to make this Christmas extra special for her, complete with an 8 foot tree that they themselves had decorated and had done a pretty good job at. She smiled as she ran a hand over her still flat stomach. "our first Christmas together." She whispered to the baby then laughed to herself, feeling silly. _Does it even have ears yet?_

"Sorry about that, Babe." Brian apologized as he entered the living room, taking Olivia in his arms and kissing her. He had gotten a call from his Captain about a case they had just wrapped up and had spent more time than he'd wanted to on the phone.

"tell me you don' have to go in tonight."

"Nope, all good!" he took her hand. "come, I want you to open your present."

"Isn't it a little early for that?"

"Nope, 12:02am, it is officially Christmas!" he kissed her before sitting her down on the sofa and going over to the three to retrieve her gift from underneath.

"I thought we were gonna exchange tomorrow when everyone is here."

"We will, but this one…" he said as he took a huge, beautifully wrapped box from beneath the tree. "Is special!" her mouth fell open at the size of the box. It was about a foot tall and at least two feet wide on either side. He'd definitely piqued her interest.

"Bri, what did you do?" she asked incredulously as he sat the giant box on her lap and sat beside her.

"Merry Christmas, Babe!"

"Merry Christmas!" Their lips met for a long kiss before she looked down at the box again and squealed gleefully like an excited child and began to unwrap it. She carefully undid the bow and lifted the lid from the box. He sat watching, waiting for her reaction. She removed the tissue paper and was surprised to see another, slightly smaller box inside that was about a foot wide all around and 8 or 9 inches high. She looked at him perplexed. He gave a sly smile. She turned her attention back to her gift and untied the ribbon on the smaller box and opened it, again, more tissue paper. She took the paper out and couldn't help but laugh when she saw yet another box inside. This one was about six inches square, height and width.

"You're serious about this?" she couldn't stop laughing. He simply shrugged innocently as she untied the ribbon and began removing the tissue paper. "Brian, so help me, if there is another box insi-"

Her heart stopped. She looked over at him, she was speechless. She then looked back down at the box. This was the reaction he was waiting for.

Her hands were trembling as she reached inside and lifted out _the_ little blue box tied with a white silk ribbon. The other boxes fell from her lap and onto the floor "oh my God!"

"Go ahead, open it" it made him happy to see her so excited. Her hands were still shaking and she felt like she couldn't breathe as she untied the ribbon from the box, letting it fall into her lap. She opened it and inhaled deep before lifting out the black velvet box inside. Her chest was heaving and tears were falling. She paid no attention to the fact that Brian had now moved from the sofa, down to the floor and was kneeling on one knee in front of her and she was not prepared when she opened that little velvet box saw the most perfect 2 Carat, square cut solitaire. In that moment, badass Benson temporarily ceased to exist, leaving a soft, pink, sobbing girl in her place.

"Bri…" she could barely get the words out. "I-is this…" he smiled and took the ring from the box and took her left hand in his, looking into her eyes.

"Liv I'm no good with words, but I'm good with you; we're good together. And, what I knew 15 years ago is the same as what I know now; that I love you!" now he was crying too. "you already have my heart; I want you to have my name. Will you marry me, Babe?" he slipped the ring on her finger and kissed it.

She was crying so hard, she couldn't speak so instead she nodded enthusiastically.

"Yes!" she cried as she threw her arms around him and pulled him in for a passionate kiss.

They ended up making love right there on the sofa. Afterwards, they lay there in basking in the serenity of the moment, her body on top of his, his chin resting on the top of her head while he stroked her hair.

"I can't believe how beautiful it is." she was staring at the ring on her finger. He entwined his fingers with hers. "I love it."

"and I love you!" he said. She smiled sweetly. "what are you thinking for the wedding? Big event?" she shook her head.

"No. _Very_ small, and intimate, nothing fancy"

"we could do it soon then" she sat up, straddling him, the throw blanket that covered them falling around her naked hips.

"How soon?"

"New Years Eve?" he kissed her hand.

"Wow!"

"Too soon?"

"Perfect"

"so, it's a go?"

"I don't know" she looked down at her stomach "what do you think?"

"Babe, who are you talking to?" she looked up at him and smiled, tears filling her eyes once more. She took his hand and placed it on her stomach.

"Your baby." Now he was the one in shock. He put both hands to her stomach and for a long moment, he just allowed his fingers to roam over it as if he could feel the life growing inside her. He was completely overwhelmed, but in the best way possible!

"My – I'm gonna be a father? " a huge smile spreading across his face.

"Merry Christmas, Baby!

**If you'd like to see the ring, go here . ?GroupSku=GRP10057&selectedSku=2607271 **


	3. The Next Phase

**SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG, BUT I WANTED IT TO BE RIGHT BEFORE I GAVE IT TO YOU GUYS. I PROMISED TO KEEP IT INTERESTING AND I HOPE I'VE DELIVERED ON THAT PROMISE. ALSO AS PROMISED, THIS CHAPTER IS MUCH LONGER THAN THE LAST. QUICK WARNING, I GOT A TINY BIT GRAPHIC IN A COUPLE OF AREAS SO IF VIOLENCE BOTHERS YOU, PLEASE DON'T READ. ASIDE FROM THAT, I HOPE YOU ENJOY!**

* * *

They'd found a beautiful Inn on Long Island that housed a gorgeous little chapel inside. They'd both fallen in love with it the moment they laid eyes on it and were relieved when the innkeeper told them that they had just gotten a cancellation that very morning and that the place was theirs if they wanted it. They jumped on it and began planning with just a few days to go.

New Years Eve rolled around and at 4:00pm that afternoon, Olivia and Brian got married in a small, intimate ceremony just as Olivia had planned. She was radiant in a strapless chiffon, cream colored gown, her hair falling around her gorgeous face in soft curls. Captain Cragen looked like a proud Father as he walked her down the aisle and actually got teary-eyed when it came time to give her away. The ceremony was beautiful. Brian cried as he said his vows, but Olivia managed to keep her composure. When Judge Donnelly pronounced them man and wife, Brian was passionately kissing his bride before that part had even been spoken.

The wedding was followed by a small reception that was over by 7:00 so that their guests could go about their New Years Eve plans. Liv and Brian decided that they would spend their wedding weekend at the beautiful little Inn they'd just gotten married in. Brian carried her up to their room and as soon as they'd gotten inside, he tossed his jacket on the chair and they were like two teenagers in heat! She kicked off her heels as they kissed and then turned her back to him so that he could unzip her gown, thankful that her evening morning sickness had stopped 3 days ago. His lips never left her neck as he undid the clasp and then pulled the zipper down. She turned back to face him before letting her gown fall to the floor and Brian's eyes nearly jumped from his head when he saw the delicate cream lace bustier that left very little to his imagination and matching barely-there panties that she was wearing underneath.

"WOW!" Was all he could say.

"You like?" she asked while unbuttoning his shirt. He was speechless and just nodded while his mouth hung open. "I bet you'd love to take it off me huh?" she slowly peeled his shirt from his body and began to plant sensuous kisses on his chest and neck

"Yes." Hs voice cracked like a pubescent boy. She smiled, loving how beautiful she felt at the effect she had on him.

"So what are you waiting for? She asked in a in a low, sultry voice that was so sexy, he nearly came right there at just the sound of it! She put her hands to his chest and gave him a push, sending him falling backwards onto the king-sized bed and in a flash, she was on top of him, straddling his waist and kissing him passionately, her chest pressed against his. In seconds, his tongue was in her mouth and he had rolled her onto her back.

"I hope these walls are thick, 'cause it's about to get loud!" he said and went back to kissing his bride. They made love again and again throughout the night, ringing in the New Year in each others arms. Later they lay in bed, she snuggled quietly against him.

"…you ok?"

"yeah… just…" he could hear the emotion in her voice. She was on the verge of tears.

"what's wrong Babe?" he felt her tears drop.

"I'm just really missing my mom right now! I got married, I'm having a baby… and she's not here."

"I wish I could have gotten to know her."

"She was amazing! So beautiful, and so strong, even in spite of… I just thought we'd have more time."

"You think she would have liked me?"

"no." she said and laughed. "My mother hated that I became a cop and she probably would have hated the idea of me marrying one even more. But I just know that she would have grown to love you once she saw how happy you make me… all she ever wanted was for me to be happy." She wipes her tears.

"then she probably wouldn't want you to be crying on your wedding night." He said and kissed the top of her head, she hugged him tighter. There was a brief silence before she spoke again.

"Babe?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think Heaven exists?"

"I do. Why do you ask?"

"…because I need to believe that she's somewhere beautiful." Though his heart was breaking for her at that moment, he couldn't help but smile at the beauty of her sentiment and he felt tears sting his own eyes.

"I'm sure she is." She loved him so completely in that moment and there was no need for another word between them that night, except for what was spoken through their hearts to one another.

* * *

**SIX WEEKS LATER, VALENTINES DAY**

Valentine's Day was special for two reasons: it was the first they'd spend together as a married couple and, it was the first morning that she'd woken up to with no morning sickness!

When she opened her eyes, she was all smiles. And like every morning since Christmas, the very first thing she did was look at her hand and smile. She still couldn't believe that they had done it, engaged and married in just one week, and now, six weeks later, she was still bursting with happiness! It all felt surreal. Olivia Benson wasn't that girl, she didn't do happy because it never worked for her. And yet here she was, married, pregnant, with an incredible husband that she needed to locate because she was suddenly very horny just thinking about him. _Damn, these pregnancy hormones are something else! _She thought to herself just as he walked into the room, still in his robe and carrying a giant bouquet of red and white roses.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Mrs. Cassidy!" he said as he put the flowers in her arms and kissed her. She was smiling ear to ear!

"Happy Valentine's Day! Where on earth did you get roses at 7:30 the morning?" he shrugged.

"Babe, it's new York. What _can't _you get at 7:30 in the morning?" he kissed her again. She caught his scent and wanted to devour him right at that moment. He put his hand on her tiny belly. "How are you feeling this morning?"

"no nausea but.." she kissed his lips. "I'm ridiculously horny right now!" she whispered.

"Oh yeah? Well, I need to get ready for work, but if you if wanna join me in the shower, we can definitely scratch that itch!"

She didn't need to be told twice!

* * *

**1-6 PRECINCT 9AM**

She got to work that morning to find more flowers waiting on her desk, a huge arrangement of lilies along with a box of her favorite Swiss chocolates.

"Hey, how you feeling this morning?" Nick greeted enthusiastically.

"good" she smiled as she took off her coat. Nick got giddy when he saw her little belly and immediately went to greet the baby.

"Buenos días, cariño. ¿Está tomando con calma en mamá hoy? ¿Sí? Bueno."

"Nick…"

"un minuto." He said to Olivia before turning back to the baby. "Creo que tu mamá está celoso porque le gusta el tío Nick tanto. Sin embargo, no le digas que dije eso." Olivia laughed and looked down at her belly.

"tío Nick parece olvidar que mamá habla español con fluidez." Nick stood up.

"That always slips my mind." He grinned. It was adorable how close they were.

"Where is everyone?" She asked as she walked over to her desk. " and when did these get here?"

"Um Captain's in a meeting at 1PP, Fin is in court, Rollins just walked in and the flowers got here five minutes ago." Olivia grabbed the chocolates and began tearing at the package with her teeth while she leaned against her desk.

"need some help there, Liv?" Nick asked, amused.

"I'm good." She replied, still gnawing on the plastic covering.

"Hey guys." Amanda greeted before she rubbed Olivia's belly. "Hi baby!" she cooed and continued talking to the baby. It amazed Olivia how a pregnant belly could reduce a squad of decorated officers to mushy, giggling-

"Yes!" she exclaimed, a bit too excited when she finally got through the plastic. She didn't even care that Nick and Amanda were staring at her. She just opened the box and happily began eating the delicious confections.

"so, you and Cassidy got plans for the evening?" Amanda asked as she took a chocolate from the box and popped it in her mouth."Oh my lord, these are better than sex!" she exclaimed

"you're not sleeping with the right one." Olivia grinned. "he made plans, I don't know what they are but if this morning is any indication, it's gonna be good!"

"a good man is so hard to find, especially in this city!" she said as she helped herself to more chocolate.

"yeah, but sometimes, he's a lot closer than you think." she sucked the chocolate from her thumb and sat the box down on her desk. "I'm gonna go call mine and thank him." She said as she walked off towards the cribs. "help yourself to the chocolate!"

"I was already gonna eat it but thanks!" Olivia laughed as she disappeared from the squad room. Nick watched her walk away and he couldn't help but smile. In the almost 3 years they'd been partners, he'd literally watched her transform from a guarded introvert to a happy, vibrant woman in love with life. He couldn't even begin to understand where she found the strength after the hell she'd gone through last spring…

_As he quietly crept closer, he could hear a voice from inside:_

"_I gotta say, detective, you were the SWEETEST piece of ass I ever had the pleasure of doin!"_

_Nick could feel his blood begin to boil! "But as you know, all good things have to end… any last words?" He was going to kill her! Nick signaled the team to stand down and he sped up his pace. He had to get to her! Why couldn't he hear her? Was it already too late?_

_He'll never forget the scene in front of him when he entered that bedroom; his partner, his strong, fearless partner naked and broken on a blood stained mattress, he couldn't tell if she were even conscious and that animal was leaning over her with a knife. _

"_I guess this is goodbye!" Lewis said as he raised the knife, intent on plunging it through her chest. Nick didn't hesitate. He raised his weapon and from the doorway he fired a single shot into the Lewis's back quickly dropping the man to his knees before he fell, facedown onto the floor, blood pooling around his body._

"_STAND DOWN!" he yelled to the team when he heard their footsteps approaching. He wouldn't allow them to see Olivia in this state and he quickly scanned the room for something to cover her with. He grabbed the blanket from the sofa against the wall and ran over to the bed, draping it over her body as the team entered the room. He sat cradling her in his arms._

"_Liv? Liv open your eyes! Please open your eyes!" he begged as he checked her neck for a pulse. Her left eye was swollen shut and there were so many cuts and bruises, she was barely recognizable. "She's alive, GET A BUS!" he yelled, relieved. He pulse was weak but it was there. He prayed that she would be ok. A moan came from the floor and Fin, in an absolute rage ran over to Lewis and began violently stomping on his body._

"_YOU MUTHAFUCKER!" he screamed as he continued stomping. The other officers in the room knew that they should stop him but this was one of their own that he'd brutalized and so they decided to let Fin have his way for a little longer. Fin stomped and kicked until he heard bones begin to crack in the man's body and he kept going. The officers ran to pull him away, but not before Fin delivered a final stomp to Lewis's ribs, relishing in the sound they made as they shattered under his boot._

_Olivia finally came to in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. She was completely hysterical. Nick had tried his best to comfort her but she was disoriented and terrified. When she finally noticed that it was her partner and that Lewis was gone, she completely broke down sobbing, but she was so dehydrated that there were no tears for her to cry. Nick slowly reached out to her and took hold of her hand. She squeezed it as if it were her lifeline and in that moment he cursed himself for not protecting her from this while tears spilled from his eyes for what she'd gone through._

"DETECTIVE AMARO!" Munch yelled, standing inches away from him. Nick suddenly snapped out of his trance.

"What? I'm… sorry Sarge.

"Save the daydreaming for break time. You and Benson and head over to Mercy. We got a 10 year old that just tested positive for pregnancy _and _gonorrhea." Nick sighed. He should be used to the degeneracy by now but it never fails to shock him.

"On our way!"

* * *

**BENSIDY APARTMENT 5:20PM**

Olivia got home a bit after 5 that evening surprised to see that Brian was already there… and in a tuxedo.

"Why are you in a tuxedo?" she said before kissing him quick on the lips.

"well we can't exactly have a romantic night on the town in jeans, can we?"

"We're going out?"

"Yep. So you should probably get dressed, the limo will be here soon."

"you got a limo?"

"I did."

"What am I gonna wear?"

"Already taken care of, now…" he kissed her. "get ready" she eagerly headed to the bedroom where she found a garment bag on the bed. she picked it up and unzipped it, inside was a gorgeous red dress. She smiled before putting it down and going to the bathroom for a shower. by the time she was ready almost 45 minutes later she was breathtaking! The dress hugged every curve beautifully and showed off her bump without being too tight and it stopped a few inches above her knee to show off her gorgeous long legs. Her hair fell beautifully around her face and her makeup was flawless. She was a vision to behold.

"WOW!" Brian exclaimed when she walked out of their bedroom. "You look amazing!" she smiled.

"you don't look so bad yourself!"

"The car is downstairs, you ready?" she nodded. He helped her into her coat and handed her purse to her.

They had a romantic dinner at Aureole and after, he surprised her with tickets to Coppélia, in spite of the fact that he hated the ballet but, he sat through all 2 and ½ hours because she loved it. Later when they got home, they took a bubble bath together and afterwards he gave her a sensual massage before they made passionate love by candlelight.

He would have a hard time topping this next year!

* * *

**OFFICE OF DR. MAYA VAWNLY OB/GYN 1 WEEK LATER**

Olivia sat nervously on the exam table waiting for Dr. Vawnly while she and Brian talked.

"…you're 16 weeks today. The doctor said at our last appointment that it's time to consider scheduling the amniocentesis and we still haven't decided."

"Yeah, I know. I just..."

"I know."

"abnormalities."

He walked over to the table and stood in front of her, running a hand over her small bump, a contemplative look on his face. "…you thought about it much?"

"yeah." She whispered. Her apprehension was evident in her voice.

"But…?"

"Look, I know that me being over forty puts us at a higher risk of something being wrong but… just having the test is a risk in itself. I could get an infection, my water could break, Brian I could miscarry… It just… it doesn't seem worth it." tears filled her eyes as she protectively wrapped her arms around her child. "I couldn't handle it if I lost this baby!"

"…you're not gonna lose our baby." He assured as he put his arm around her.

"…it was a slim-to-none chance of me getting pregnant in the first place, after what Lew-" She took a nervous deep breath and suddenly grew quiet, the memory was still too painful. But he understood. He'd been there at the hospital, gone through it with her. He'd seen what was in the reports; severe injury from sustained rape with a foreign object. That bastard had used the end of a striking wrench to further violate her in his final act of depravity. He'd severely lacerated her cervix, and after they'd repaired the damage she'd developed a lot of scar tissue that the doctor said would make it extremely difficult, if not impossible for her to ever get pregnant. And even though she hadn't been trying at the time she'd conceived, she considered this baby to be her miracle, they both did.

"hey, we're not gonna think like that. We're making this decision based on doing what's best for our baby."

"or what's best for us? I just feel as if the whole idea of this test is to find out whether or not child is perfect enough for us to want to keep it. Bri, I loved this baby from the second I knew that he or she was growing inside me, and that love is only growing stronger with each passing day!"

"I know." He agreed as he softly rubbed her belly. She closed her eyes and sighed before speaking, placing her hand over his on her belly.

"Brian, I want our baby no matter what. There is nothing that test can say that will change that, I mean, if there is something wrong, we'll deal with it, right? Unless… unless you can't. and if that's the case-"

"Liv, _we_ made this baby. This is my child and I already love it! I don't care if it has… 8 arms or a butt growing on top of its head" she laughed "there is _nothing_ we can't handle as long as we're doing it together."

"so it's okay if I don't want the test?"

"it's okay." She threw her arms around him and breathed a sigh of relief.

"I don't know what I'd do without you." She said, still holding him tight.

"You'll never know." He promised as he pulled away and looked her square in the eye. "I'm yours Liv, forever… or until you don't want me anymore and even then, good luck getting rid of me!" she smiled and took his hands in hers.

"So I guess we've made a decision?"

"I guess we have." He leaned in and kissed her lips as she put her hands to his face, cupping it, then wrapping her legs around him as the kiss grew more passionate. Just then, Dr. Vawnly entered the examination room."

"I am so sorry for the wait… but it looks like you two are just fine without me!" she laughed.

"Hey Doc." Brian said, totally embarrassed as Olivia buried her head in his chest, cringing.

"So, Mr. and Mrs. Cassidy" they both smiled, loving to be reminded that they were husband and wife. "we can probably find out the sex of the baby today if you wanna know." They looked at each other before Olivia spoke.

"No. We wanna wait… for everything, which is why we've decided against having the amnio."

"And you're both sure about this?"

"we are"

"Okay then. Just let me inform you that if you decide to change your minds, there is still plenty of time."

"Thanks Dr. Vawnly but, we won't need it." Brian said. Olivia looked up at him and smiled.

* * *

**S/N: In case anyone is wondering why I chose to have Olivia remember her mother so fondly, it's because of the very first episode of SVU. It was the one and only time that Serena Benson was ever shown but in that brief moment, it was obvious that she loved Olivia very much and that Olivia loved her too. I thought it was a beautiful moment when she told Olivia that although she hates the man who raped her, if he hadn't, she wouldn't have Olivia and then she held her daughters hand as they looked at each other with so much love in their eyes. I will never understand why, after such a strong show of emotion between the two women, the writers decided to depict the relationship as something ugly and abusive. I can accept that Serena was an alcoholic, because I fully understand her needing a way to cope with the trauma she'd gone through but I will ever accept the ugly version of Serena Benson so I choose to let Olivia's relationship with her mother be a sacred one, something warm and full of love like what we saw in 1:1 because I fell in love with **_**that**_** Serena and if ever she is depicted in any future stories, that is the Serena I will stay true to!**

**Reviews are much appreciated so please let me know how I'm doing. Oh, and if the Spanish sucks, blame google translator!**


	4. Secrets Revealed

**IT TOOK A LITTLE LONGER THAN I'D ANTICIPATED BUT IT'S HERE! I'M STILL TRYING MY BEST TO KEEP IT INTERESTING AND I HOPE THAT I'VE DONE A GOOD JOB SO PLEASE LEAVE REVIEWS, GOOD OR BAD AND LET ME KNOW. DICK WOLF, NBC AND UNIVERSAL OWN THE CHARACTERS BUT THE STORY IS ALL MINE! ENJOY!**

* * *

Ever since their last sonogram, Brian noticed that something about Olivia was off. She'd often completely zone out for long moments and whenever he'd ask her about it, she'd just shrug it off and say it was nothing. He knew better but he also knew not to push. As long as she knew that he'd be there to listen, she'd tell him when she was ready, if there were in fact, something to tell. He waited, but, nothing. The weeks went by, it continued, but she never brought it up.

Early one afternoon, he decided to stop in at the 1-6 to check on her, he entered the squad room and was greeted by Nick.

"Hey, Cassidy, what are you doing here in the middle of the day?"

"Just came to check on Liv, she around?"

"Sleeping. She looked tired so Captain sent her to the cribs to rest."

"I won't wake her then." He paused for a moment. "hey, Amaro, you're around Liv most of the day… you notice anything strange lately?"

"you mean those sad, far-off looks? Yeah. I've noticed. She okay?"

"That's what I'm trying to find out. She say anything?"

"Yeah. That it's nothing and she's fine." Brian smirked.

"Typical Liv. I'm gonna go say hi to Cragen before I go. Have her call me when she wakes up?"

"yeah."

"Thanks man." He said before heading into Cragen's office.

Late that night, he'd picked her up from work and it happened again on the way home. she just sat there in the car, staring off into space like she was lost somewhere in her own head.

"Liv?" It was like she wasn't there. "Olivia!

"what?" she answered, suddenly snapping out of it.

"what's goin on with you?"

"Bri, I already told you…"

"_it's nothing_. Yeah, I know. Except we both know that it's not."

"You worry too much!" she said and turned to stare out the window, which he knew was her way of ending the conversation. _You need to tell him! _She heard a voice say in her head. _It'll only hurt him._ She argued back as she continued to stare blankly out the window.

* * *

**SPRING**

By the time April rolled around, at 5 and ½ months, the cute little bump was now a full-blown belly and Olivia loved it! She was astounded at how her body changed as the baby continued growing inside her. What she didn't love, however, was the heartburn that she'd been having lately. Her doctor assured her that this was a normal occurrence in pregnancy and recommended antacids… she was pretty much living on TUMS these days! Her little episodes continued but she had gotten really good at pushing the thoughts out of her mind but the guilt was eating away at her.

Still, she coped with the guilt deciding that she might as well deal with it since she couldn't go back and change what she'd done. And she tried her best to go along as if nothing happened.

"It's downright sickening how happy you are!" Amanda told her as they sat getting pedicures. They both had the day off and since Brian was working, She and Rollins decided to have a girl's day out.

"Um… thanks?" Amanda laughed.

"No, I just mean… it's frustrating… not you, it's… can you keep a secret?"

"Can Olivia Benson keep a secret? Hmmm…" Olivia joked.

"there's this guy and… hell I'm hot for him! Liv, I want him bad!"

"this guy have a name?" she asked before popping a few TUMS in her mouth.

"I can't tell you that."

"Because?"

"Because, I'm embarrassed."

"Rollins, grow up!"

"It's Nick!"

"Amaro?"

"yes. and to be honest, it sucks because I don't think he even notices me!" a thought ran through Olivia's had but instead of speaking it, she simply raised her eyebrows and smiled.

"hmm"

"you know what would be great?"

"what?"

"you guys are super close, maybe you could… put in a word for me?"

"I don't know about that..."

"Liv, PLEASE! You don't know what this is doing to me… being around him in the bullpen every day, I can't focus! All I can think about is him slamming me down on a desk and fu-"

"Okay…! Just breathe!"

"I'm sorry… I just want him so bad. Please, you gotta do this for me!" Olivia sighed.

"I'll try." Amanda became giddy. "…but no promises!"

"totally understand." Still, it was impossible to keep the smile off her face at just the thought of having a chance with Nick!

* * *

**THE NEXT DAY…**

"You did WHAT?" Nick yelled as he and Olivia rode up in the elevator on their way to the squad room"

"Shhhhh! Keep your voice down!"

"You told her, you'd hook us up!"

"no, not exactly. What I said was, I'd put in a word, big difference!"

"Liv, you know I hate Blondes! And Rollins… she looks like the poster child for Sweden!" Olivia couldn't help but laugh as he doors opened on their floor and they got off the elevator.

"come on… just, maybe turn on the charm a little?" she asked as they walked towards the squad room. They were now both speaking in hushed tones.

"Liv, I have to work with this woman, I can't be putting out false vibes"

"I'm not asking you to shove your tongue down her throat, just tell her she looks nice once in a while."

"Nick rolled his eyes as they walked through the doors of the squad room. Suddenly, Olivia stopped cold and put her hand to her belly, unsure if what she just felt had been real. She kept her hand pressed to the spot on her belly, and there it was again. Her mouth dropped open and her eyes went wide as she felt her baby kick against her hand. She gasped in complete shock as she looked up at Nick.

"Liv?"

"It kicked! The baby just kicked!" she exclaimed as she grabbed Nicks hand and put it to her belly, and just that fast, she was gone again, lost somewhere in her thoughts. She didn't notice that her baby kicked twice more for Uncle Nick, nor did she notice the huge smile on his face. When she finally came back a moment later…

"I'm sorry what?"

"where where you just now?" he asked, worried.

"I… nowhere." She lied, trying to shake it off. "I'm gonna go call Brian." She said and walked away before he had a chance to reply.

* * *

**TWO MONTHS LATER…**

The next couple of months flew by pretty quickly. As they passed, Olivia's guilt only grew and wouldn't leave her alone. Her heart pressed her every day confess to Brian but her head refused, telling her heart to keep quiet in spite of what she knew was the right thing to do. She listened to her head and tried to put it all behind her and revel in the joy that Brian and their unborn child brought to her life, and she'd done a pretty good job at doing just that but then, in May, they'd gotten news from the DA's office and it wasn't good.

Lewis's trial was set to begin early September; just a few weeks after she was scheduled to give birth. She tried to put it out of her mind but with each passing day, her apprehension about having to face her attacker began to consume her; she was terrified! She tried to hide it but everyone could see it. Especially Brian. He knows exactly where this is headed. She will not survive this trial. Facing that monster again will destroy her, it will ruin her emotionally and he knows that he has to do something before she goes over the edge.

"How about we go grab lunch at that little Bistro you love so much?" he said as he sat on the edge of her desk. For the last month, she had been primarily on desk duty which he loved because he didn't have to worry her and the baby being harmed at a crime scene. Whenever he could, he would pop in to the 1-6 to check on her.

"I'm not really hungry" she said, staring at the same set of papers she'd been staring at for over an hour.

"Liv, we talked about this. You can't just not eat."

"I'll eat later."

"You'll eat now." no sooner than the words had left his mouth, his phone went off. He quickly read the text message. "Shit! Babe I gotta go, I'll send delivery."

"I-" she started to protest but Nick cut her off

"Don't worry man, I got it." he assured Brian. Olivia turned and glared at him.

"Thanks man!" he turned to Olivia . "I'm off early today so I'll be here at 6 to take you home." he kissed her quickly on the lips." Love you! Nick, thanks man!" she said and left. Olivia quickly turned to look at Nick again.

"What the hell was that?"

"Come on Liv" Nick said as he approached her desk. "You really want him worrying about you while he's out there?" she sighed. As much as she hated t admit it, Nick was right. She's been a detective long enough to know that it could be disastrous if your focus isn't where it should be.

"I know" she sighed "I just have a lot on my mind."

"you wanna talk?"

"not really."

"as long as you know I'm here." She forced a smile and nodded.

"Thanks Nick."

No problem. Now, what do you wanna eat?" she rolled her eyes and smirked as she took the menus from his hand, realizing that she wasn't winning this one.

Outside in the car…

"What the hell were you thinking? I told you, we can't afford to be careless. I was with my wife when that text came in! …no, just… I'm on my way!" and he ended the call before driving off.

* * *

**LATER THAT EVENING, BENSIDY APARTMENT.**

After making a run to get spicy nachos for Olivia when she developed a sudden craving, Brian entered the apartment to find her on the sofa watching a story about Lewis's impending trial on the news and she was visibly upset.

"Babe?"

"he's gonna beat trial!" she said numbly without even turning to look at him "I don't know how but he's gonna beat it!" she cried as she rocked back and forth. He hurried over and turned the television off, then sat beside her, putting his arms protectively around her.

"Liv, don't do his to yourself. The stress isn't good for either of you!"

"I'll never be free of him!"

"Don't talk that way, come on, there is no way he's getting off!"

"I did this. I've been a terrible person and all of this is God punishing me!"

"you don't believe that"

"All these years… what I did to Kathy… what I did to you! And all these years I tried to convince myself that I'm still a good person…"

"Liv, stop! He was just as just as much to blame for what happened between you two all those years. And me, I forgave you a long time ago for what happened between us. It's in the past!" she turned to look at him, her eyes wet with tears.

"You can't forgive me for what you don't know." She said to him, the tears were now starting to fall.

"What I don't know? Don't know about what?" she wished that she could take the words back.

"You'll hate me."

"I'd never hate you" she grew quiet for a long moment, looking down at her belly, running her hand over it as if that gesture alone would somehow give her the courage to face what she'd done. He felt sick inside wondering what she had to say and he wasn't so sure that he wanted to hear it. Without taking her eyes from her belly, and tears dropping, she began speaking.

"I…that night…" she wiped the tears that were falling from her nose with the back of her hand. "that night we spent together 15 years ago… a few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant and I had an abortion." He was stunned into a long silence.

"Brian?"

"is this some kind of sick joke?" his voice was full of hurt and anger but when he spoke, he didn't yell, even once, instead, he kept a calm tone.

"I'm sorry." She said barely above a whisper. She still couldn't look at him.

"After 15 years you tell me that you aborted my baby..." he choked back a sob. "…and you're _sorry_?"

"I –"

"Don't." he got up and grabbed his keys, heading for the door.

"where are you going"

"I can't be here right now." he said without looking back and walked out the door.

"Brian…" she called as it slammed shut. "FUCK!" she screamed in frustration, while outside in the hall, Brian entered the stairwell. Once the door closed, he paced the landing while rubbing his forehead as tears spilled from his eyes. He stopped pacing and backed himself against a wall, his mind was a complete mess. He ran a hand down his face to wipe his tears but they were just as quickly replaced by new ones. Feeling as though he could no longer stand, he sank down to the floor and, sitting with his back against the wall, rested his elbows on his knees, hung his head into his hands and began sobbing.

* * *

12:17am, He'd been in that stairwell for hours, sitting there, against that wall. He had exhausted his tears hours ago but he couldn't move; He just needed… he let out a deep breath, her words had been playing over and over in his head, trying to make it make sense and he couldn't help but think back to all those years ago...

…_don't get used to it!_ She teased as she tied her robe. They'd just had mind-blowing sex and were about to go for another round when her pager went off and she had to go. It was already too late. He'd loved her from the moment he met her but that night, from the second he'd gotten inside her and heard her moan beneath him, he knew that she was his home, even if she couldn't see it, he knew. He wanted more but she was unable to give it and she made a clean break. Only, it wasn't so clean. He'd left a piece of himself behind – a life growing inside her, a life that he never knew existed until tonight, a life that he was now mourning sitting on the floor of a stairwell…he felt his eyes fill with tears again. _How could she not tell me?_ He wondered. _I was there! She knew how I felt about her, she had to have known how I would have felt about that baby… Our baby… _he stopped himself as he felt his tears flood his face again and suddenly he found himself remembering this past Christmas after they'd just made love and she told him that she was carrying their child. He would never forget the look on her face; her beautiful face that was so full of love for him and their child as she cradled his hand against her stomach. Until that moment, she had been his entire world but the moment those words left her mouth… _"Your Baby" _suddenly, just that fast, _they _were his world! He felt a connection to that child, a love for it that he knew he'd die to protect… a connection he was denied fifteen years ago and yet still, with all the hurt and anger he felt at the situation, he couldn't bring himself to be angry with her because regardless of what she'd done, he loved her with every fiber of his entire being, and he knew that he could forgive her anything… even this

* * *

Inside the apartment, Olivia was still awake. Seeing how hurt he'd been, it was like a dagger through her chest because she was the one who'd caused his pain and she couldn't stop crying. She stood there, by the window, in her nightgown and robe. The baby was especially active right now and she rubbed her belly trying to calm it, while she pressed her other hand against her aching back.

"It's okay, little one" she said in the most soothing tone she could muster but, the truth was, she didn't know if she believed her own words. A rogue tear escaped her eye and ran down the side of her face. She thought she was all cried out but apparently not, and she was just about to wipe it away when she heard his key in the door and she turned around just as he stepped inside. Their eyes met and they both froze for a moment before he finally broke the awkward silence.

"Hey." He said. She let out a nervous breath and more tears fell from her eyes. That one word let her know that they were ok.

"Hey." She replied, relieved. Faster than she knew it, she'd made her way across the room and was in his arms sobbing. "I'm so sorry!"

"No, Babe. I was wrong to walk out like that." He said through his own tears.

"It's okay." She cried, squeezing him tighter. "I didn't do what I did to hurt you!"

"I know." He pulled away and cradled her face in his hands, his thumbs wiping away her tears. Please don't cry. I understand that you had your reasons and we need to talk about it, we will talk about it, but not tonight. Tonight I just want to hold you and make love to you… just drown in us. Is that okay?"

She caressed his face, wiping his tears as she did and smiled through her own.

"That's more than okay!" still holding her face in his hands, he leaned in and sweetly kissed her lips. They never broke contact as he scooped her up in his arms, cradling her as his tongue slipped between her lips and the kiss grew hungry…fervent even. He felt her hands in his hair as he carried her to the bedroom and slammed the door behind them with his foot. Before long, they had completely stripped each other and were making passionate love. Later, as she lay sleeping in his arms, he lay awake, turning everything over in his head. They didn't need to talk about it, it was the past and he decided that that's where it should stay – the past. Just seeing how hard it had been for her these past months, it haunted her every day. And he wouldn't partake in making her feel any worse than she already did. They were together, right here, right now because it was meant to be and everything that happened before this point was specifically for the purpose of leading them to where they are. He was a firm believer in destiny and he knew that that's what they were. He gently put his hand to her belly and felt their child moving inside her. Yes, everything was just as it should be and there was no need to dwell on the past.

* * *

**A FEW WEEKS LATER…**

Instead of their usual Wednesday night date night, she and Brian decided to stay home and watch a movie. With Olivia eight and a half months pregnant and the city in the middle of a terrible heat wave, home with the air conditioning was her favorite thing these days.

"Less than 2 months to go before the two of us become the three of us." Olivia smiled and put her head on his shoulder. "I wonder if there'll be more after this one?"

"I'm thinking at least one more. I wouldn't want him or her to grow up an only child…" she was suddenly quiet. " Babe, what if I can't get pregnant again?

"Positive thoughts."

"it's more than likely."

"We'll cross that bridge if we come to it." he said. Just then his phone rang and he reached to grab it from the coffee table.

"Cassidy." He answered. "now?" he gave a tired sigh. "yeah, alright." And he ended the call.

"Sorry babe." He kissed her forehead. "I gotta go, Cruz is ready to talk."

"can't they get someone else take his statement?" she whined as he got up. ever since the news of Lewis's trial, she had become so clingy and she hated it!

"he wants to talk to me. "

"you won't be long, will you?"

"a couple hours tops. You need anything before I go?"

"No" she said rubbing her belly. "we're fine."

"K." he said before kissing her sweetly on the lips. "love you babe!" he said ad kissed her belly before walking out the front door. He hadn't been gone a minute when her phone began ringing. She picked it up and saw that it was Nick.

"Hey Nick."

"Hey, Liv is Brian there with you?"

"No, he got called in. what's goin on?"

"I have news about your trial." She froze. She closed her eyes and tried to steady her breathing as her heart began beating faster. She knew that facing him in court would be inevitable since he'd survived Nicks bullet AND Fin's vicious attack but still, there was no way she'd ever be ready. Especially not while being pregnant. Her emotions where all over the pl-

"Liv, you there?"

"Yeah, I'm here. What about the trial?"

"Liv, it's over!"

"I don't understand, what do you mean?"

"I asked the DA t let me be the one to tell you. He's dead Liv! Another inmate slit his throat…" he continued talking but Olivia didn't hear another word. Her breathing quickened as relief took over and a deluge of tears flooded her eyes and went pouring down her face as she broke into sobs. Nick stopped what he was saying and listened as she cried, his own eyes watering. After a long moment, she finally composed herself enough to speak.

"you're sure?" her voice was shaky.

"I'm staring at his corpse Liv, maybe you shouldn't be alone right now, do you need me to come over?"

"No, I promise. I am so good right now!" she exclaimed as she wiped her eyes. "I feel like I can finally be at peace!"

"If anybody deserves it, it's you!"

* * *

Outside, Brian had just pulled out of the parking garage and was driving down the street when his burner phone rang. He took it from the seat beside him and answered it.

"Yeah?"

"It's done." A voice said simply from the other end.

"How can I be sure?"

"I'm lookin at your wife's partner as we speak."

"Good. We're done." He said and hung up. just as the light turned green, his actual phone rang he looked at the screen to see that it was Olivia. He cleared his throat before answering as he continued driving. "hey babe…. What? You're kidding!" Olivia was beyond excited as she recounted to him everything that Nick had just told her. He continued driving as they talked, pretending that this was all news to him.

Later as he was driving over the bridge into Brooklyn, he tossed the burner phone into the river. He had no regrets. He was responsible for a man's brutal murder but as far as he was concerned, he'd done the world a favor, but more importantly, once again, he'd given her peace of mind. He did what he had to do to spare his wife from having to face a monster, from having to sit in a courtroom and hang her head as she told dozens of people every sick detail of how he brutalized and humiliated her for four days; every twisted, perverted deviance he'd inflicted. No, he would never allow her to have to relieve those things and for that, he would never be sorry for what he'd done! He thought about how Lewis must have suffered. The look on his face as his throat was being ripped open and he died in a pool of his own blood.

_..best served cold, you sick fuck! _He thought to himself and smiled as he continued driving.

**So there it is. I know, I made Brian a little dark in this chapter but I wanted to explore a man's primal need to protect the woman he loves and so I went there. Hope you enjoyed reading! **


	5. Blindsided

**I SINCERELY APOLOGIZE FOR TAKING SO LONG TO UPDATE. I WISH I HAD SOMETHING ON WHICH TO BLAME THE HOLDUP, BUT I DON'T. ANYWAY, THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE LAST CHAPTER TO OUR STORY BUT BEFORE I KNEW IT, I HAD OVER 12,000 WORDS AND STILL, I WASN'T AT THE END SO I DECIDED THAT I HAD TOO MUCH FOR ONE CHAPTER AND I SPLIT IT INTO TWO. I HOPE YOU'LL ALL LIKE IT. THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE WONDERFUL REVIEWS AND BLAME GOOGLE TRANSLATOR IF THE SPANISH IS WRONG, LOL! AS ALWAYS, DICK WOLF, NBC AND UNIVERSAL, YOU OWN IT ALL BUT IT'S ALWAYS SO MUCH FUN PLAYING WITH YOUR CHARACTERS. ENJOY!**

* * *

**DR. LINDSTROM'S OFFICE. THE FOLLOWING MORNING. **

"…and now? How do you feel?" Dr. Lindstrom asked.

"Liberated."

"Liberated?" he was surprised to hear her use that word. "I take it you don't mean in the physical sense."

"No." she paused to clear her throat. "He had total control of my body for four days. He burned me when he wanted, beat me when he wanted…raped me when he wanted" she swallowed a lump in her throat. "starved me, cut me, drugged me – even broke my bones because it was what he wanted to do and he was the one in control and he never let me forget. And then when I finally got away from him, he was in my head. For months, him and all the sick things he'd done to me were all I could think about day and night. But I got past it.

"Because of your husband? She smiled.

"Yeah." She said, running her finger over her rings. "he loved me through it. I was able to put it all behind me…until we got the news."

"…the trial date.

"knowing that I would have to face him again, those thoughts came back and I felt like I was there again. It consumed me! Then suddenly…he's dead!" she said, a huge smile on her face. "and I don't know, maybe it's wrong of me to be so completely…grateful that someone's life was taken but he was an evil, sick son of a bitch and not just for what he'd done to me. There were so many victims who never got their justice but I lived. And he can never get to me again. I feel like his death is vindication for all of us. I feel like it's my place to be happy for every one of them because they can't."

"And are you…happy? She smiled again and looked him straight in the eye.

"The only thing that would have made me happier is if I'd done it myself."

* * *

**SQUAD ROOM AT THE 3****1****st**** EARLY AFTERNOON**

Just after 1pm, Olivia entered Brian's squad room and was instantly greeted by everyone there as she walked through. She was undoubtedly one of the most loved and respected cops in the NYPD. By the time she'd reached Brian's desk, she'd been rubbed and/or congratulated at least fifteen times.

"This is a nice surprise." He said and immediately got up so that she could sit. "easy" he said as he helped her into the chair.

"Brian, I won't break" she laughed, though secretly, she loved the way he fussed over her.

"what are you doin out in this heat?" he said before kissing her.

"After I left Dr. Lindstrom's, I thought I'd bring you lunch." She said and handed him the bag she was carrying.

"thanks babe, I'm starving!" he said and put the bag down on his desk. "How'd your session go?"

"Pretty good. You should eat before it gets cold." He understood that in Olivia-speak, that meant, _change the subject._"

" You gonna stay and eat with me?"

"No, actually the cab is outside and the meter is running and I really need to get home because I'm exhausted!" she said as she struggled to get out of his chair. He quickly helped her to her feet. "Thanks babe."

'Come on, I'll walk you out."

They walked out of the precinct and to the waiting taxi, once there, Brian opened the door for her.

"I'll call you when I'm home."

"Please." He leaned in and kissed her passionately before helping her into the car and securing her seatbelt, kissing her again while he held her belly. "I'll see you tonight."

"Okay." She framed his face with her hands and kissed him again.

"I love you." He said, lingering for a moment.

"I know." she smiled.

"I gotta go. Captain's gonna have my ass if I don't get these fives in!" he kissed her again before shutting the car door. He went to the front window and leaned in, opening his wallet and removing a few bills.

"Hey, pal, make sure to help her out of the car!" he said before giving him the money and stepping back as the cab drove off.

He couldn't believe that this was the same Olivia who, up until last night, was a complete nervous wreck! The change in her was incredible! When he'd gotten home late last night, she was sound asleep, and slept through the night – something she hadn't done since she'd been notified of the trial date, and when he woke up this morning, she'd fucked him so good, HE almost woke the neighbors! her nerves had been so bad, it had been over a month since they'd had sex before that! He had no idea where she'd gotten the energy to do the things she did, but he didn't complain and walked into work this morning with a HUGE smile on his face! Now, walking back into the precinct, he wondered if, no; more like hoped with all his might that she would be able to summon more of that energy when he got home tonight!

* * *

**SQUAD ROOM OF THE 1-6. THE FOLLOWING WEEK. **

"…just send over the paperwork and I'll take a look at it and get back to you. Yes, soon. Okay." Olivia hung up the phone and got up from her desk to walk across the room to the file cabinet. She had just pulled open the top drawer when Nick hurried over, having just gotten in.

"Okay, you _really_ need to talk to Rollins!" he said in a hurried whisper while suspiciously scanning the room to make sure no one was listening.

"Hello to you too." Olivia said, grinning.

"Sorry. Hey, Liv. Hi baby!" he quickly rubbed her belly while smiling. "you _really _need to talk to Rollins!" he restated, the smile gone from his face.

"Okay, _why _do I need to talk to Rollins?" she was obviously amused.

"Because you were the one who set all of this in motion."

"Me? All I did was talk to you on her behalf."

One of the other detectives made their way over to the file cabinet next to where Olivia was standing. She and Nick smiled at him as he went about his business. Nick quickly switched to speaking Spanish.

"_Felicite a su vez en cuando..._ ¿Te suena familiar? He sido, y ahora ella está fuera de control!

"En serio, no puede ser tan malo." They smiled again as the Detective walked way and they went back to speaking English.

"It is that bad. She's been asking me out for weeks and I've been making excuses. Up until now, they've worked pretty good…"

"So what's the problem?" she found the file she was looking for and shut the drawer before waddling back to her desk with Nick behind her.

"The _problem_, partner, is that yesterday she caught me off guard and I couldn't come up with anything so I agreed to a movie." He said as he held her chair steady so that she could sit. Then perched himself on the edge of her desk

"Still not seeing a problem."

"You didn't let me finish… I felt violated! I should have been suspicious when she picked a horror film, but noooo. The first guy takes an axe to the brain and she practically jumps into my lap! I shoulda called bullshit right there. In our line of work, we see worse than that on good days!"

"Don't remind me."

"So, I let that one slide; big mistake because then, she lays her head on my shoulder and before I know it, her hand is on my chest and then I feel the other one creeping up the back of my neck and running through my hair!"

She pursed her lips, trying to contain the laughter that was trying to get out.

"I move her hands and we're good for a few minutes until she offers me candy."

"I don't see why that's a problem."

"You didn't let me finish."

"Carry on."

"I tell her I don't eat sweets, she knows this but, she still acts surprised. _Oh, is that how you stay in such great shape?_ And then her hand is on my stomach feeling my abs! _they're so hard! I bet you're good at gettin' things hard…and even better at gettin' em wet!_" he said, imitating her southern drawl. Olivia couldn't take it and clamped a hand over her mouth while her body shook with laughter.

"Oh, I'm glad you think this is funny!"

"I don't. It's just…okay it is pretty funny, I mean, come on…" she laughed, unable to keep it in, but quickly composed herself. "I'm sorry. You're right." She cleared her throat "I will talk to Rollins, though I have no idea what I'm supposed to say…. in the mean time, Rachel Mendez is awake and she's ready to give a statement. Her doctor says we can see her in an hour."

"whoa, whoa, whoa…we?" she should not be out in the field this far along in her pregnancy even if it is just to talk to a victim and even if it is alright with Cragen. But knowing Olivia, she probably talked him into it. Nick knew better than anyone that she's been bored as hell being on administrative duty these last couple months.

"Yes, you and I …and before you start, knock it off. That is, unless you'd rather I send Rollins along with you."

"NO!" he put his hands up in surrender. "that's…we're good."

"Great, let's say 30 minutes and we roll?"

"Yep!" he turned to walk away, she went back to the file in front of her. after a couple steps, he stopped and turned, making his way back over to her.

"Hey Liv, just out of curiosity, you're goin on maternity leave soon."

"3 weeks."

"While you're gone, I won't be getting a temporary partner or anything, will I?"

"Maybe. Or, you and Fin will probably share Rollins. Dad's call."

"Hey Captain!" Nick called as he sped to his office. Olivia shook her head and went back to her paper work.

* * *

**SOMEWHERE IN MIDTOWN, MIDDAY.**

"We're gonna end up calling this kid _hey you_!"

"We'll come up with something."

"Liv, he or she is gonna be here in 5 weeks and we still don't have names picked out."

"Well, we would – at least for a boy if you weren't so stubborn!" the heat had finally broken and they were enjoying a nice lunch at a sidewalk café.

"we are not naming him after me, come on Liv, I thought we agreed…"

No, _you _agreed. _I_ maintained that if it's a boy, I want him named after his father!"

"why?"

"Why not?"

He watched in disgust as she poured caramel sauce all over a plate of Fettuccini Alfredo and dug in.

"Why not? Because he's his own person, he should have his own name." she stared blankly at him for a long moment while she chewed. When she swallowed, she picked up her drink and sipped through the straw while continuing to stare at him.

"You know what? Fine, If it's a boy, we name him Brian." She smiled, feeling pleased with herself.

"and if it's a girl, we'll name her Olivia."

"Like hell we will!"

"see my point?"

"No. Only self-centered women make their daughters juniors. But, naming a boy after his father is traditional."

"And since when have we ever done traditional?"

"You're determined to fight me on this, aren't you?"

"All the way to the delivery room!" he vowed.

"I don't even wanna think about those two words!"

"I know you're nervous"

"I'm terrified!"

"I'll be right there holding your hand."

"My hand is not the part of me I'm worried about…" she said while reaching over to his plate and stabbing one of his meatballs with her fork.

"no matter what, I'll still love it!"

She smirked, rolling her eyes, reaching again for the caramel sauce. He felt his stomach turn as she prepared to pour it on the already marinara sauce-covered meatball that sat atop her fork.

"oh, Liv, come on, don't…" she poured it on and bit into it like it was heaven. "okay…" he pushed his plate away, suddenly losing his appetite.

"Hey, you knocked me up, deal with it!" she grinned and continued eating. He couldn't help but smile and he sat there watching her for a moment.

"What?" she asked when she noticed him staring at her.

"You're beautiful." He smiled. She blushed.

"I'm a swollen mess!"

"You're a beautiful swollen mess! He said, entwining his fingers with hers atop the table. They simply sat there looking at one another adoringly. They hadn't even noticed their waitress standing at their table.

"Can I get you guys anything else?" she asked, cheerily.

"No, just the check." Olivia answered, smiling at her husband and never taking her eyes from his.

"Thank you." Brian added …never turning his attention from his beautiful wife.

"Right away." The young waitress smiled at how in love they seemed as she hurried off to get their check.

* * *

**THREE WEEKS LATER BENSIDY APARTMENT.**

Everything had been going great in the weeks that followed. Living life free of the shadow of Lewis was the best thing that Olivia could have ever hoped for! Two weeks ago, Casey and Alex had flown into town to surprise her with a beautiful baby shower. Unfortunately, Alex was called away the night before on business and had to miss the party she'd spent weeks planning but it was still an amazing event.

Then out of nowhere, Olivia began having strange dreams; well, one dream. Several times over the last two weeks she would dream that she was surrounded by darkness and she could hear Brian calling her name but she couldn't find him and she would run through the darkness looking for him, calling out to him. She could feel her heart pounding. Suddenly, Brian would appear in front of her and she would relax. He would smile, and caress her belly before backing away. "Babe, where are you going?" she would ask as he continued to fade into the darkness without saying a word. "Brian, don't go! Please don't go!" but he would turn his back and walk away, that was where she would always wake up, calling out his name. She was sure that it was nothing more than anxiety with the baby's due date inching closer. And though she did mention the dreams to Dr. Lindstrom, she never brought them up to Brian, especially since she never had them when he was lying beside her so to avoid them, she would try to put off going to bed until he came home. Not an easy feat with being so far along in her pregnancy, she was so tired all the time!

This night in particular, she sat up in bed watching a Repo Games marathon while eating ice cream. Brian had called hours ago to tell her that he would be very late and that she shouldn't wait up, but she'd had the dream again when she'd dozed off earlier and now she couldn't rest until he was safe at home. Two hours, a pint of Ben and Jerry's and three trips to the bathroom later, she was bored. She turned the TV off and looked at her phone, 1:17am. _Should I call him?_ She decided to give it ten minutes. If she didn't hear from him in ten minutes, she would call him. She sat her phone back on the nightstand and picked up the baby names book, opening where she'd left off. Within seconds, she heard the door unlock and the sound of his footsteps began to fill the apartment. She exhaled, thankful that she could stop worrying at least for tonight.

"You're home!" she exclaimed, smiling as he entered the bedroom.

"Hey babe!" he greeted as he walked over to the bed and kissed the top of her head. "It's late, what are you doing still up?"

"Couldn't sleep, I was worried about you." She kissed his hand and he smiled.

"Feel better now?" he asked as he tenderly rubbed her belly.

"Lots."

"Good." He kissed her sweetly on the lips then kissed her belly before he walked to the other side of the room and began undressing. "The name book, huh? Where were we again?" he asked while pulling his shirt off over his head.

"Rs" she reminded him. When he was down to nothing but his boxers, he climbed into bed with her and they proceeded to toss names back and forth for about fifteen minutes, not managing to agree on anything. He closed the book and put it on his nightstand before turning off the lamp. When they were both lying down, she snuggled against him, her head on his shoulder while he lovingly rubbed her belly.

"…two more weeks." She sighed. "…you ready?"

"Honestly? I am."

"I'm not"

"You'll do great. I can't wait to hold this little guy."

"Or girl!"

"or girl." He agreed. She smiled and looked up at him and they kissed, sweetly at first, then passionately, for a long moment. "That was nice!" She smiled, tracing circles on his chest with her finger.

"…you uh, you think maybe we could…?"

"you want to?"

"You tell me." he said, looking at her seductively. She slipped her hand beneath the covers to find him rock-hard and smiled. He leaned in to her again, his fingers in her hair as they kissed.

He took it slow, being as gentle as possible when he entered her, being careful to pleasure her without causing her pain but still, she winced when she felt him pushing into her, biting her lip to keep from crying out. He slowly began thrusting and it was already too much, every part of her was either swollen, or sore, or both, which was why they hadn't in the last three weeks, it was just too uncomfortable for her. Her face contorted and she tried to steady her breathing but after the third stroke, she was done.

"Bri, stop, please!" He stopped immediately, pulling out as he did.

"Babe, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean…"

"No, I thought I could… I want to, I just can't. I'm sorry." She was crying again, and she wanted to stab her hormones, this had to stop!

"Babe, it's ok, don't cry." He assured her as he wrapped her in his arms. "your body's working extra hard right now. It's ok if it doesn't want to be bothered."

"You're not a bother."

"No, but apparently, little Brian is." She laughed.

"There is NOTHING little about little Brian." She said as she snuggled her back against him. "I'm sorry I got you all worked up."

"Don't worry about it. I'm thinking of Cragen in a thong right now, that should kill the urge!"

"Thank you so much for that visual!"

They drifted off to sleep while he held her in his arms. She had been sleeping for a couple of hours when she began to stir. After a few seconds she jolted awake in a cold sweat.

"NO!" she cried, breathing hard.

"Liv?" Brian called to her as he sat up, "you ok? Is it the baby?"

"No." She answered as she ran a hand through her hair. "I had a bad dream."

"…you wanna talk about it?" she shook her head, taking deep breaths while he rubbed her back.

"let's just go back to sleep."

"You're shaking."

"I'm fine." He looked at her for a moment, unsure if he believed her but decided that it would be better to drop it for now. He didn't want to upset her so instead, he kissed her temple.

"it was just a dream. You're safe. Okay?"

"Okay." She nodded and settled beneath the covers, lying on her side, her back turned to him. He curved his body against hers, putting his arm around her. She knew that she was being silly for letting a dream upset her like this but it all felt so real! Not only had it happened while he slept beside her, but this time the dream itself had changed. She didn't hear him call to her in the darkness. She didn't see him appear and then vanish, leaving her frantic. No, this time, it truly was a nightmare. It was bright and sunny and then everything went red as Brian's blood poured from his body and he fell at her feet… a single bullet having ended his life! She pulled his arm tighter around her. "I love you!" she said, tears filling her eyes. She was thankful that he couldn't see them.

"me too babe!" he kissed her again and she turned, positioning herself on her back and pulled him in for another kiss, but this kiss was urgent. It was desperate and pleading. She needed to feel him, needed to have him close and to get that terrible image from her head. Right now, her need to connect with her husband far outweighed her discomfort. Without a word, he understood and gave her the consolation she sought. Her eyes told him what she needed, her movements told him how much he should give and their lovemaking was as urgent, desperate and pleading as her kiss had been. It didn't take long for the pain she felt to give way to pleasure and she climaxed hard, twice before he followed. Afterwards, she was exhausted and finally closed her eyes.

* * *

**MORNING**

Brian quickly stopped the alarm before it could wake Olivia. She had had a rough night and had only gone to sleep an hour ago after they'd made love again; He didn't sleep at all, but he didn't mind as long as he could help her feel at ease. He bit his lip thinking about how hot their lovemaking had been and he smiled. He looked over at her lying there beside him. She was so beautiful when she slept, he still couldn't believe that she was finally his wife. _How did I ever get so lucky? _He wondered to himself. He let his eyes drink in her pregnant, naked body, completely amazed that together, they'd created a life. He could never stop being amazed, especially when that little life did things like what he was seeing.

Her belly swayed before he saw the form of their child began to move beneath her skin. He looked on in utter astonishment. He'd seen it many times before but it never ceased to amaze him. He then saw something that completely took his breath away! It was the outline of a tiny foot pushing against the tight skin of Olivia's belly. Olivia told him about this happening several times over the past month and how unbelievable it was every time, but he had never been witness to it himself. He smiled as he touched the little foot with his finger, right before it disappeared and was quickly replaced with a tiny fist print that appeared at the opposite end. He hadn't even noticed that he was crying until he felt the tears on his chin.

"Alright little man" he whispered to her belly as he caressed the little fist with his thumb. "That's an awesome good-morning stretch you got there, but daddy needs for you to let mommy sleep a little while longer. Think you can do that?" he looked on in amazement when, after a couple seconds, the tiny hand retreated and her belly remained still.

"Yeah, you're daddy's lil dude… don't tell your mom I said that!" he laughed before placing a gentle kiss to Olivia's belly then covering her with the blanket and easing out of bed to take a shower.

By the time he was showered, dressed and on his way out the door. Olivia was still sleeping. He walked into the bedroom and looked down at her. She was so beautiful and he was so tempted to wake her but he resisted, knowing how tired she'd been lately as her due date drew closer. He turned and quickly scribbled out a message on the notepad she kept on the nightstand and propped it up against the lamp so she'd be sure to see it. When he was done, he looked down at her again and smiled, moving a lock of hair from her face before leaning in and brushing his lips against hers in a soft, sweet kiss. "I love you, beautiful!" he whispered. She stirred in her sleep and shifted, turning onto her side. He couldn't help but smile as he left their bedroom, stopping in the doorway to look back at her before heading to work.

* * *

It was just after 10am when Olivia woke up to what felt like the baby doing somersaults in her womb. She groaned a sigh, her eyes still closed as she rubbed the underside of her belly. She took a breath before turning onto her back and slowly dragging herself up to a semi-sitting position, an action that quickly tired her. As much as she loved being pregnant, she would never be used to feeling so cumbersome in her own body. These last couple of months had been a challenge for her. And now, at the end of her pregnancy, she felt as if she were literally getting bigger every day.

"what's got you so worked up this morning, little bug?

The notepad on the nightstand caught her attention and she reached over to pick it up, reading the note Brian had scrawled on it.

_What about 'Aidan'?_

She smiled, shaking her head as she sat the notepad back in its place. He was so sure that they were having a boy. She thought back to the day he'd come home with a baby-sized Jets jersey…

"_A football jersey?" she asked, holding it up._

"_The season's gonna be stating soon, gotta get him ready."_

"_and if he's a she?"_

"_Still gonna bleed green!" she smiled and threw the tiny jersey at him._

"_Uh, you mean blue, this kid's gonna be a Giants fan!"_

"_Wow! You're pretty good at that."_

"_What?"_

"_Dreaming!" she laughed as he laid his head down on her belly. "Your mom's delusional!" he said in a mock whisper before sitting up. "but seriously, boy or girl…or boy, this kid is gonna have more love than he knows what to do with!_

"_Or she."_

"_Or she." He smiled and leaned in to kiss her._

"Hey." She poked the top of her belly. "you hungry?" she smiled when the baby kicked. "I'll take that as a yes." She laughed before moving her legs over the side of the bed and sighing, knowing what a struggle it would be to get up.

"This is a lot easier when Daddy's here!" she grabbed the headboard with one hand and leaned on the nightstand with the other to pull herself up into a standing position. She put a hand to her sore back and stretched before waddling to the bathroom.

* * *

She and Brian would spend the morning playing phone-tag. While she was in the shower, he'd called to check on her but when it went to voicemail, he assumed that she was still asleep and decided to call back later and sent her a text. Once she'd gotten dressed, she noticed a missed call then read the text and tried calling him back but he was in the tunnel, driving back into the city so the call never came through on his end. She left a quick message on his voicemail.

"hey babe, it's me. Sorry I missed your call but, we're both fine, don't worry. Anyway, Nick should be here soon so I guess I'll call you when I get to work. I love you!"

No sooner than she'd ended the call, the doorbell rang. She tossed the phone onto the sofa before going to answer the door.

"Nick, you're a little early." She said as he walked in.

"giving time for traffic. Man, look at you!" she smiled, shaking her head as he rubbed her belly.

"Hey buddy!"

"Buddy?"

"or…sweetie" she laughed as the baby kicked. "so, last day at work before maternity leave. You excited?"

"No."

"No?"

"Seriously, what am I supposed to do for the next two weeks before the baby comes? I'm gonna go crazy!"

"You could… take the time to relax."

"I don't know how to relax!" she said grinning when the doorbell rang again. She and Nick were still standing in the entryway so she reached over and opened it.

"Morning ma'am, I have a delivery for Mrs. Olivia Cassidy." The young man said.

"Um, that's me." Olivia was curious. She wasn't expecting anything.

"Sign here please." He handed her a tablet where she quickly scrawled her signature and handed it back to him. "Thank you. Okay guys, bring it in!" he called. Three additional delivery persons walked in to the apartment, each carrying several boxes of varying sizes, all from Petit Tresor – one of the most expensive baby stores in New York City. After they had placed the boxes in the living room and exited the apartment, one more item was brought in. Olivia's jaw dropped when she saw it; it was the stroller she'd been wanting but couldn't rationalize spending $2,000 on. Yet here is was, in front of her, wrapped in a huge silk bow and absolutely beautiful! She thought she'd faint from excitement.

"This has to be a mistake!"

"No mistake." He said as he handed her an envelope. "Congratulations on the little one; enjoy!"

"Let me get you a tip" Nick said, reaching for his wallet.

"…already taken care of. Have a good one!" he said before leaving. Olivia shut the door and she and Nick walked into the living room where she sat on the arm of the sofa and opened the envelope in her hand, removing the card inside. She laughed before reading the card out loud

_Liv and Brian,_

_Sorry I couldn't make the shower, but I didn't forget the gifts!_

_Love always,_

_Alex_

Olivia was genuinely touched. "My god, it's too much!" she exclaimed, lifting the phone from its base on the end table and dialing.

"I'll put everything in the baby's room."

"Thanks Nick!" the phone rang a couple times before it picked up on the other end.

"Hey doll!" Alex answered.

"Cabot, what did you do?"

"I take it you got the delivery. I hope you like everything."

"I haven't gotten to the boxes, but, if the stroller is any indication, I think it's safe to say I'll love it, but really, Alex, you shouldn't have spent so much!"

"Are you kidding? Liv, you've been like a sister to me and my sister is having her first child, you have no idea how excited I am!"

"I know, it's just-"

"Hey, Aunt Alex is going to spoil this kid, even if I have to do it from Seattle, so don't even bother fighting it!" Olivia laughed as tears fell from her eyes, damn hormones!

"Okay, I cannot go in to work all teary!" Alex laughed from her end. "I love you and I will call you later. Thank you so much for the gifts."

"I love you too, Liv, and you're welcome. Talk you later."

Olivia put the phone down on the table as Nick returned from his third trip to the baby's room.

"Just let me grab my bag and we'll go." She told him, while wiping her eyes.

"You okay?"

"Hormones. I'll be fine.

"ok, I'll put the stroller in the nursery. Be right back."

She got up and walked across the room to grab her bag from the counter, wincing at the pain in her back that had been constant these last couple months. Within seconds, she and Nick were out the door, she forgetting her cell phone that was still on the sofa. A half hour later, it began to vibrate.

* * *

Across town, Brian listened as it rang in his ear, as he sat in the car waiting for her to answer.

"You ready to do this?" his partner, Luke Slepinski called from where he stood outside the car.

"Yeah, just checking on the wife, gimme a second." He finished just as her voicemail came on. He sighed just before it beeped. "Hey Liv, I guess this phone thing's not working for us today which kinda sucks since I haven't talked to you all morning. I hate that I have to cut this call short but, hey, duty calls right?" he paused briefly, as if in deep thought before continuing. "I don't know if I say it enough, but I love you and I love the life we have together…you're everything." He looked over at his partner and smiled. "Anyway, I gotta go, Luke's bein an ass as usual!" Luke was outside the car teasing Brian by playing a mock violin. "I'll be off in time to pick you up, I love you babe!" he said before hanging up and putting his phone his pocket then exiting the car.

"you dick!" he said laughing as he took the vest Luke handed him and joined the other detectives.

"Yeah, yeah, Mr. Mushy!" Luke grinned.

"What can I say? She's the love of my life!" Brian smiled while securing the bullet-proof vest.

"Whipped!" Luke joked.

"Proudly! Let's do it!" Brian said before heading into the dilapidated building in which they were about to make a huge bust, closely followed by SWAT.

* * *

Another half hour later, Olivia was done with her checkup and had just come out into the waiting area where Nick was seated. He stood up when she walked in.

"Thanks again for driving me."

"Don't worry about it. Everything check out ok?"

"Yes, we're both fine. You know what would be so good right now?" she asked, rubbing her belly as they walked to the elevators.

"Let me guess, Cold Stone?"

Suddenly, an eerie cold ran through her and she shuddered, drawing in a deep breath.

"Liv, you alright?"

"yeah, I just…it's like a chill went through me…weird." She shook it off.

"you sure?"

"It was nothing, I promise." That seemed to put him at ease. "now, about Cold Stone…" he smiled, looking at his watch.

"I guess we have time." He said as they got on the elevator.

"Hear that, baby? Uncle Nick's gonna get us ice cream!" she said, looking down at her belly. He shook his head,

"This kid is singlehandedly turning Badass Benson into a pile of mush!" he said, grinning as the doors closed.

* * *

Across town was a bloodbath! The raid had gone horribly wrong. Suspects had been killed, children who were in the stash house had been wounded. It was a sloppy bust that they'd gone into Ill-prepared because of misinformation about what to expect once they were inside. They had no idea that there were children involved, and they certainly had no idea that these goons would be prepared with an arsenal of high-tech weapons and a squadron of street soldiers waiting to open fire. Five officers had gone down before it was all over; four of them critically wounded, one of them, though still breathing, fatally wounded. And as his partner leaned over him, desperately trying to stop the bleeding from his neck, he knew that it was already a lost battle.

"Don't try to talk, help is coming!"

"It's too l-late"

"No, you're gonna be fine!" he argued. But he knew, even as the words left his mouth that they weren't true. His partner was getting paler by the second. As they were backing out, Brian had been hit by a bullet to the neck that pierced his carotid artery. The amount of blood he was losing and the pace at which it spilled was sickening and it kept coming despite the pressure that Luke was applying in an attempt to stem the flow.

"You have to tell…you have to tell her th-that I love her!" he struggled to get out. It was becoming harder to breathe. He was so cold. He knew that he was dying, that within moments, he would take his final breath here on this sidewalk. As tears slid down the sides of his face, the only thought in his mind was her. "You, t-tell her I'm s-s-sorry and I love her!"

"I will, I swear! Oh god, Cassidy, don't do this, man come on, not like this!" Luke was in tears and he didn't care who saw. He was holding his partner in his arms, helplessly watching him bleed to death and knowing that there wasn't a damn thing her could do about it. "just hang on!"

"You were a g-good partner" Brian said looking up at him. Suddenly, a look of calmness washed over him and his eyes were focused on something in the distance. He smiled before he uttered his last word, "Olivia…" he then released a final, strangled breath and he was gone.

"Cassidy? Cassidy?" Luke cried frantically. "No man, no…no!" he cried as he cradled Brian's head to his chest and reached out with a bloody hand to gently close his eyes. "Oh God, please!" he prayed, sobbing uncontrollably over his partner's body.

* * *

**THE 1-6 PRECINCT**

An hour later, Nick and Olivia walked into the squad room, arm in arm and laughing. Their merriment ended abruptly when they noticed the somber tone of the room and that all eyes were suddenly on them.

"Okay…what's going on?" Olivia asked. Fin hung his head and Amanda turned away, unable to keep her tears at bay.

"hello?" Nick called out, confused by the silence." It was Cragen who finally spoke up.

"Liv, I need you in my office." Something in his tone made her very uneasy.

"Captain…is something wrong?"

"Just, please. Come into my office." He restated softly as he put his hand on her shoulder and led the way. She could feel her apprehension building with every step and looked back at Nick nervously for some reassurance. Nick's eyes caught hers and she saw that his held just as many questions. That really unnerved her and she looked away. Nick though, kept watching as they walked toward and disappeared into the office, the door shutting behind them. Once inside, Olivia was surprised to see Brian's Captain standing by Cragen's desk and in his official uniform, the same solemn look on his face that her own captain wore on his.

"Captain Johnson, Sir - if I may…what are you doing here?" She was nervously running her hands over her belly. The knot that was forming in the pit of her stomach told her that she already knew the answer and suddenly, last night's dream was flashing through her mind. The baby felt her anxiety and began moving inside her as if too were trying to prepare itself for the inevitable blow that was coming. Captain Johnson looked over at Captain Cragen and it was Cragen who spoke.

"Olivia, maybe you should sit down."

Outside in the bullpen, Nick tore his eyes away from Cragen's office and turned to look at his colleagues.

"Ok, what the hell is going on?" he was shocked when Amanda threw herself into his arms sobbing.

"We tried c-calling but there was no answer, and…" she was so distraught, she could barely speak.

"Calling for what?" Nick asked but Amanda was of no further use and she ran off to the ladies room crying even harder than she had been.

"it's Cassidy." Fin answered

"Cassidy? What about him?" Nick asked, obviously confused and with urgency in his voice.

"He's gone man."

"Gone? What do you mean gone? Gone where?"

"I mean…" Fin simply gave him a look that told him exactly what he meant. It hit him like a brick.

"Oh my god, Liv!" he said as he turned to go to her. Fin put a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

"Captain's with her, he'll do his best to soften the blow."

"There's no softening this blow man! She's already been to hell and back and he was the only thing keeping her sane!" he yelled angrily as he pulled away from Fin and sent his fist flying into the filing cabinet nearby. The entire squad room turned their attention to him but none of them said a word, because inside, they all felt the same rage at this latest injustice that had been cast upon their leader.

"How did it happen?" He asked Fin as he wiped away the tears that streamed his face.

Inside Cragen's office, She was numb. She sat there on the sofa and stared off into nothing and in a barely audible voice she chanted "I saw it" again and again. Cragen was still talking to her but her ears allowed no sound to reach her and her senses blocked out everything around her and she remained that way for a long moment when suddenly her baby began kicking and she put her hands to her belly, suddenly snapping out of it.

"It's okay…" she whispered to her child as she began to cry. Her tears were fast and heavy. "It's a mistake." She said louder as her voice shook with sobs. She still hadn't looked up at either of them.

"Liv – " Cragen started.

"NO! It has to be a mistake because he wouldn't …just leave. H-he wouldn't… He wouldn't! Captain he wouldn't!" she cried.

"I know." Don said as he sat beside her, taking her in his arms. She immediately sank into them and the second she did, she came completely undone, crying in pitiful, heartbreaking sobs that wretched from deep in her soul. Outside, any hope that the squad had of holding it together was now gone! Hearing Olivia's cries broke everyone and the whole unit was now in tears.

* * *

**MEDICAL EXAMINER'S OFFICE**

It was just after 4pm when Nick and Olivia arrived at the ME's office. She had been adamant on wanting to see Brian right away. Melinda didn't want to have Olivia further traumatized, so she held off on starting the autopsy until after Olivia viewed his body and she took the time to wash away the blood that he'd been covered in.

Olivia was beside herself. She couldn't even walk without Nick to lean on. As they approached the area outside the autopsy suite, she was surprised to see Luke sitting there in the informal waiting area, his head in his hands.

"Luke?" he looked up at her, his eyes were red and puffy from all the crying he'd done. He was still in his blood-soaked clothes from this morning.

"I'm sorry… I shouldn't be here, I just couldn't bring myself to leave him."

"Of course you should be here." She assured him as Nick helped her into the chair beside him. You were his partner for eight years. If anyone has the right to be here, it's you."

Nick couldn't believe it. She had just lost her husband yet, here she was consoling his partner.

"How you holdin up?"

"I don't know yet. I'm still just…" she trailed off as she caught her breath and wiped away new tears that had fallen. She couldn't tear her eyes away from Luke's clothes, covered in Brian's blood and reached out, gingerly skimming her fingers over the hem of his shirt sleeve. "did he suffer?" she asked, her voice still shaky, more tears tumbling from her eyes.

"No. from the time the bullet…it was pretty quick." His own tears began falling again. "He just talked to me until it was…until he…" she swallowed the cry that was caught in her throat.

"what did he say?" she asked in a whisper.

"he told me I was a good partner." They both smiled through their tears. "and he um…he made me promise to tell you that he loves you, and he's sorry." She put her hand to her mouth, shaking from the sobs she was trying desperately to hold in. Nick laid a comforting hand on her shoulder. He was crying again too.

"Then he smiled and called your name…and he was gone. Right there in my arms, he…" he broke down sobbing again. Olivia threw her arms around him and hugged him tight. "I'm so sorry!" he cried as he held onto her.

"Don't be, it's not your fault." She said. Nick turned away to wipe his own tears just as Melinda stepped out of the autopsy suite.

"Hey Doc."

"Nick." She smiled as much as she could. "Liv, whenever you're ready."

"Go home." Olivia told Luke. He nodded as he wiped his tears before getting up.

"you be strong." He said to Olivia before walking away. She was too drained to even try getting up on her own so she called Nick over to help. He took her hands in his and firmly yet gently pulled her to a standing position.

"Liv…"Melinda began, but stopped and hugged her friend tight. "If there is _anything_ I can do, anything at all, you don't hesitate to ask. Understood?"

"Thanks Melinda." They embraced for another short moment before pulling apart.

"You sure about this? Melinda asked, fighting back tears. Olivia nodded as she bit her bottom lip. She took a deep breath as Melinda put her arm around her and led her in toward the autopsy suite.

* * *

**BENSIDY APARTMENT. LATER THAT EVENING.**

"why don't I go to the kitchen and make you something to eat?" Nick offered as they walked into the apartment.

"I'm not hungry. I just wanna sleep!"

"Liv, you haven't eaten all day, you gotta keep your strength up for the baby." "He said in his gentlest voice. The baby… _this little one is all I had left of him now_, she thought as she wistfully rubbed her belly, she had to, no matter how she felt, do what was best for him or her.

"Okay." She agreed simply with no emotion, the exhaustion unmistakable in her voice. "I'm gonna go lie down."

"You need anything?" she simply shook her head almost as if she were unsure before heading towards her bedroom but then stopping.

"Just…if anyone calls…"

"Say no more. Go and rest. I'll get you when dinner's ready."

She nodded and went off to her bedroom, quietly shutting the door behind her. Nick went to the kitchen in search of something he could prepare for her to eat.

Once inside, she stepped out of her shoes before walking into the bathroom and stripping off her clothes, usually, she was obsessive about neatness but she didn't give a second thought as she let them fall to the floor. When she'd taken everything off, she stepped into the shower and turned the water on.

Fifteen minutes later, freshly scrubbed, she pulled one of Brian's tee shirts over her head and down over her belly and pulled on a pair of leggings. Her hair was still damp from having just washed it but she was in no mood to be bothered blow-drying it.

She took a deep breath as her eyes scanned their bedroom and with the back of her hand, swatted the lone tear that made its' way down her cheek. She walked over to Brian's side of the bed and stared down at it before sitting down, running her hand atop the comforter. Her tears came heavily again and she sat there and let them fall. After a moment she lay down, curled on her side, her arms wrapped protectively around her baby and she began crying silently into his pillow. Her mind wandered back to the ME's office; seeing him lying there on that table so pale, so still; so cold.

"_Bri, you can't go…you made a promise to me, remember? Forever… we're not there yet." She said as she held his hand and lovingly stroked his hair, her tears falling steadily._

She squeezed her eyes shut, attempting to push it from her mind. Her love, her life, her husband, her rock… gone, and she never got the chance to say goodbye. More tears fell and the baby was again, moving anxiously in her womb but this was different from its' normal activity, it was as if the baby knew that something was wrong outside its' little cocoon and was reacting to it.

"It's ok baby, mama's got you." She said softly through her tears while rubbing her lower belly. "it's gonna be ok… I just don't know how. Your daddy is a whole lot better at this optimism thing than I am." Brian would sit and talk to their baby every day since before there was even a bump. She remembered when he first found out that she was pregnant, that night he'd spent hours talking to her still flat tummy. He wanted his child to know his voice, and it did; it was his voice that calmed their little one when he or she was brutalizing Olivia's insides with its kicks or when he or she just wouldn't stop moving so that she could rest and, ironically, his voice was what got their baby excited when she came home at the end of a long day, not just his voice but his touch. His child already knew him and it broke her heart upon realizing that, two weeks from now, when he or she entered the world, they would never know the comfort of being safe in his arms.

She blew out a deep breath in an attempt to stave off more tears but the effort was unsuccessful. She was completely devastated; her heart irretrievably broken and her mind still unable to fully grasp what was happening. _How could everything fall apart so fast? _She wondered as more tears fell. There were so many things racing through her head that it was hard to sort them out but the one thought that kept coming to the forefront over and over from the moment she had been told of his death; why? With everything she'd been through, why this too?

Her thoughts were cut short when she was startled by the sound of the phone ringing. She simply closed her eyes, choosing to shut it out. After the third ring, it stopped. Nick had picked it up from the living room.

"Cassidy residence."

The caller was confused at the voice on the other end of the phone. Had she dialed wrong? Perhaps, gotten a different Cassidy residence?

"Is Olivia home?"

"She is, but she's resting. May I ask who's calling?"

"yes, this is Mary Cassidy, her mother-in-law. I assume my son hasn't gotten in yet?By the way, to whom am I speaking?" Nick's eyes went wide and he felt his stomach drop to his feet – she didn't know! Olivia told him on the way to the morgue that Mary had left for a cruise five days ago and since there was no signal in the middle of the ocean, she could only be reached when the ship would dock somewhere and she'd call them to check in. it had been two days since they'd last heard from her.

"Um, this is Nick Amaro, Olivia's partner."

"oh yes, the nice Chicano boy I met at the wedding." Mary recalled. Nick decided that now was not the time to be offended by the old woman who was still stuck in 1970.

"Yeah, um, Mrs. Cassidy, I'm gonna put you on hold for just a moment, ok? Just… hold on." He said and hit the hold button on the phone. 'shit!" He didn't want to have to put Olivia through this, but right now, there was no one else. He couldn't call up Brian's captain and 3-way the call, he had to do it. He took a breath before heading to Olivia's bedroom and softly knocking on the door.

"Come in." he heard her softly call from inside. He slowly opened the door, dreading what he was about to do and stepped inside. It hurt him to see her lying there looking so fragile, he quickly swallowed the lump in his throat and spoke.

"Dinner's almost ready, but um…you have a call."

"Nick, I don't wanna talk to anyone."

"I know, and I'm sorry but you need to take this one… It's Brian's mom" neither of them said a word for a moment. Olivia slowly sat up and reached for the phone on the nightstand.

"I'm right outside if you need me." she nodded before he turned and left the room, shutting the door behind him and going back to the kitchen. She bit into her lip, dreading what she was about to do as she looked down at the phone in her hand before answering.

"Mary, it's Olivia."

"Well it's about time! I feel like I've been on hold forever! I am calling internationally and believe me, it is not cheap! So how are you, Dear? Is everything ok with the baby? Speaking of the baby, I've been picking up the cutest little things for her along the way…"

"Mary…"

"I found a gorgeous little shop when we docked in Aruba and everything was just so beautiful, I wanted to buy it all! I remember, my late husband would always yell at me, he was such a spendthrift but you know me when it comes to shopping…"

"Mary…"

"Mary, you're gonna send us to the poorhouse the way you go through money, he'd always say. I could never make him understand that sales were the key to –"

"MARY!" Olivia yelled, exasperated with her mother-in-law after less than a minute. This was a new record for Mary. The older woman went silent and Olivia took a calming breath before she continued.

"What is it dear?"

"…you need to come home."

* * *

**I know, I know. You all probably hate me right now, but remember, there's probably, maybe possibly a light at the end of the tunnel! And no, this is will not become a Bensaro love story – and fellow EOers, quit smiling because El's not getting her either, lol! **

**Love it? Hate it? Please review either way. I appreciate your feedback, even if it's negative, as long as it's not disrespectful. With the holidays here and me going out of town (hopefully to meet Mariska) on Monday, you most likely won't see an update for a few weeks, but I will make every effort to get it in before Christmas. The next chapter will be the final chapter. Can't give anything away but as always, I'll try to make it good.**

**What are you waiting for? REVIEW!**


	6. Complete

**I WILL ADMIT, I LOVED WRITING THIS STORY AND I'M SO HAPPY THAT SO MANY OF YOU ENJOYED READING IT. BUT AS WE KNOW ALL GOOD THINGS EVENTUALLY END AND HERE IS THE FINAL CHAPTER. I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKE IT AS I TRIED MY BEST TO WRITE BRIAN WELL EVEN AFTER HIS DEATH. THANKS AGAIN FOR READING!**

* * *

**BENSIDY APARTMENT**

When Olivia woke the next morning, the sun was shining beautifully through the windows. As usual, the first thing she did was reach for Brian but all she felt was an empty spot where he should be lying beside her. She quickly opened her eyes upon realizing that he wasn't there and sat up.

"Babe?" she called out and got no reply. She could see the bathroom from bed, the door was ajar and the light was out so she knew that he couldn't be in there.

"Babe?" she called again, nervously. Suddenly, it all began coming back to her. "no…god please…please…" she whispered to herself as her tears began again and her breathing became erratic. Her heart nearly stopped when the bedroom door opened and Brian, wearing his bathrobe, rushed to her bedside. She threw herself into his arms, sobbing as he held her tight against him.

"It's okay, I got you." He soothed as he stroked and kissed her hair while she cried in his arms, clinging to him for dear life.

"Don't let go!" she cried. She'd buried her face against him, allowing the steady beat of his heart to comfort her. "You're here!" she wept.

"Where else would I be?"

"I thought…I thought you were gone."

"I'll never leave you." He promised, still holding her tight. This was all the assurance she needed that everything was as it should be and she breathed a deep sigh of relief, there in his arms as she allowed her fingers to graze over his chest.

"Bri, where is your scar?" one of his bullet wounds should be where her fingers are. He released her from his embrace and cupped her face in his hands, smiling.

"I don't need them anymore." He said simply.

"Brian…"

"It's ok Liv." He said as tears once again flooded her face.

"Please don't say goodbye, babe please! I can't do this without you!" she cried as she held on to him for dear life.

"You're stronger than you think."

"No! if being strong means that I have to let you go then I don't want to be strong, I can't…" she couldn't breathe through her sobs. "Please don't leave, please! Just…just stay with me, Brian please just stay with me!

"I can't" he whispered, those softly spoken words unglued her and she cried even harder against him. "listen to me, I will never be far from you, I –"

"Stop!"

"I don't have long…" more tears came and he again took her head in his hands and kissed her tears. "Remember my birthday, when you told me that it felt like we'd already made a lifetime of memories? You remember that?" she nodded as her tears continued to fall. "You have to keep em with you." He said, wiping her tears.

"I don't care about memories, I just want you back!"

"it'll be ok. I promise." He said before putting his hands to her belly. "I'm right here, remember?" he kissed her belly. "I love you Liv. Nothing can change that… nothing!"

"Brian, I…"

"Shhhhh! It's ok." He then caressed her face and leaned in to her, taking her lips to his and kissing her with every ounce of the love he felt inside. When he finally pulled away, she was calmer but her tears still fell in torrents. "I gotta go…" he whispered, his head pressed to hers.

"I'm not ready."

"You can do this."

"I don't want to." He smiled, trying to fight his own tears but losing as they rolled down his face.

"Hey; you and me, we're unbreakable. Us against the world; remember?" she held his hand as she caressed his face, her lips to his as she whispered against his mouth.

"I love you! …Always." lips trembling from the sobs she tried to hold in.

"….Forever." he promised. "Don't let him forget me." his hands on her belly as he placed his lips to her forehead and kissed her there as she closed her eyes and a sob escaped her lips; when she opened them,it was still night and he was gone.

"Brian… Brian… Babe, please…" she cried frantically, alone in their bed. "don't go…"

* * *

From her living room, it sounded to Nick like she was having a nightmare and he quickly rushed to her room.

"Liv, I'm coming in!" he announced before opening the door. It broke his heart to see her with her face in her hands, sobbing as her body shook. Not knowing what else to do, he sat beside her on the bed and put his arms around her; they didn't exchange a word, he simply let her cry until she couldn't.

* * *

By the time morning arrived, Nick was thoroughly exhausted. He hadn't bothered sleeping. After Olivia had finally worn herself out from crying last night and gone back to sleep, he wanted to make sure that he would be there if she needed him again, so he got a book from the shelf and made himself comfortable on the couch. He was afraid for his partner; afraid that she would eventually shut down again. _Just how much is one person supposed to take before it all becomes too much?!_

Over the three years that they've been partners, she's learned to trust him. It was only after she did begin trusting him that he learned why it had been so hard for her in the first place; her entire life she had gone through hell and he had come in on the back-end of what, at the time had probably been the worst of it – her old partner, the one she'd been in love with and had allowed herself to depend on, he just upped and left her. No letter, no phone call, nothing explaining why. And to add insult to injury, he'd refused any contact with her, ignoring her calls and any other attempts she'd made to reach him; he'd completely devastated her. She'd eventually gotten past it, but how does anyone ever get over being hurt like that by someone they trusted so implicitly? Then Brian came along, after the way things had ended so abruptly with Haden, and though Nick had to admit that he hated the guy for a long time, his feelings changed when he saw the way Brian had stepped up and was there for Olivia after the _actual _worst hell she'd ever go through. Seeing the way he cared for Olivia, Nick found a new respect for the guy and from that, he'd managed to put aside whatever differences he felt and he and Brian had managed to actually become friends, bonding over the one thing they held in common – their love for Olivia.

But now, Brian was suddenly gone and Nick knew that it was his duty to look out for her, especially while she's so consumed with grief. She's not herself right now and he doesn't know the full impact that this will have on her; usually, Olivia would refrain from showing emotion, no matter how bad she was hurting but this – losing Brian was too much and she lost it in front of everyone.

Last year when they'd found her in that house, and seen the horrors of what that animal had done to her, he had no clue to how she'd even physically survive it, let alone mentally. He'd felt the bile rising in his throat when he saw her bloodied, burned and broken body; there wasn't an inch of her that wasn't covered in remnants of some trauma he'd inflicted. Nick thought for sure that it would break her emotionally, but miraculously, and thankfully, he was wrong. Now, he was hoping that that he was wrong about this too. He prayed that she could, once again summon the strength to pull through but Brian had been her anchor then, and Nick was afraid that without him here…

"Why do you always do this, Amaro?" he asked himself out loud. "Why do you always think the worst? She's strong, even if she doesn't know it right now!"

She has the baby to think about; reminding himself of that assuaged his fears because he knows that her child is everything to her and that she would do whatever necessary to protect it and make sure that it was ok. He'd watched her last night, literally forcing herself to eat because it was what her baby needed – even if she did throw up most of what she ate, she'd made an effort for the baby's sake. He looked at his watch; 8:37am. _She should be waking up soon_ he thought as he got up and went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast for her. After finally falling asleep after that dream, she'd slept through the entire day yesterday. He'd wake her up a couple of times to feed her but aside from that, he didn't bother her; just kept a close watch in case she needed anything. Her mother-in-law would be arriving later this afternoon; she'd taken somewhat ill after hearing the news from Olivia and had to be hospitalized overnight. He knew that this would be an added stress for Olivia.

Olivia did not have the best relationship with the woman. Of course, they'd kept it civil for Brian's sake but it was strained at best. Mary thought that Olivia should play a more traditional role in her son's life IE, staying home, cooking, cleaning and catering to his every whim; the "Three C's of being a wife" as she called it. Mary didn't understand that who Olivia was, was in her blood. Her mother had been just as fiercely independent, Serena made sure that Olivia never needed or wanted for anything growing up and she did it on her own, without anyone's help while teaching her daughter that same self-reliance. Olivia didn't need a man to take care of her financially and that was a foreign idea to Mary.

Nick called Fin to come and stay with Olivia while he ran home for a change of clothes. Cragen had given him time off without him even having to ask for it, he knew that Olivia would need someone and knew that she'd want Nick near. The ordeal she'd survived had changed the DNA of her relationship with Nick. He was no longer just her partner, someone she could confide in. No, he had become the person she trusted most in the world, even before she'd learned to trust Brian. Nick had been the one to find her, to put an end to what Lewis had put her through and in doing so, he'd seen her at her most undignified yet still managed to look her in the eye with respect. That meant more to her than he would ever know. For the first time since he and Maria Divorced, he was glad that he didn't have Zara right now. He wasn't sure how much of this she'd be able to understand and she'd grown to love Olivia so much, it would break her heart to see her this way, though he had to admit, spending time with Zara had helped a lot during Olivia's recovery last year. Zara's innocence and pure, unspoiled outlook on life was like a breath of fresh air to Olivia. As excited as Zara's been about the baby coming, she would be calling demanding to talk to Olivia and Nick had no idea how he was going to explain her sadness to his daughter, but he figured he'd cross that bridge when he came to it.

He had washed his hands and was slicing fruit when the doorbell rang. He wiped his hands and went to open it.

"Hey, Fin, man thanks for coming over." He greeted as Fin entered the apartment.

"Don't worry about it man. How's she doin?"

"She's still asleep right now, but…not good."

"I can't even imagine what she must be goin' through, but you now Liv, she's the strongest person any of us know; she'll be alright!" Fin said as he picked up a strawberry from the bowl on the counter and ate it.

"That's what I keep telling myself…but right now, I'm not so sure I believe it." Nick said as he continued preparing breakfast. They sat in silence for a moment before they heard Olivia's footsteps shuffling from her bedroom. Fin stood up from his seat at the counter and turned to greet her.

"Hey, baby girl!" he said warmly as they stood for a moment just looking at one another, her eyes filling with tears. He opened his arms to her and she went to him, allowing herself to be wrapped in his strong embrace. She tried hard to hold back her tears but they fell anyway.

"How you holdin up?"

"I'm not." She answered, holding tight to him. Fin shot a look to Nick

"Well, we gotta change that. She forced a smile as she pulled away.

"Little one ok?" he asked, putting his hand to her belly. She nodded.

"Active." She answered dryly.

"He sure is!" Fin replied, feeling the baby move beneath his hand. For the first time, Olivia didn't offer correction. Now he was worried. He could tell from looking at her that she was tired. Her eyes were puffy and had no spark. He and Nick shot more looks at each other as Nick poured a glass of water for Olivia and brought it over to her.

"Liv, you look tired." He said as he handed her the water. She didn't answer him as she took it. "I'm almost done with breakfast, why don't you go and lie down? I'll bring it in when it's ready." Again, she gave no argument.

"Okay." Her tone was dull, barely audible and almost lifeless.

"Let me help you." Both Nick and Fin offered.

"I got it." she said before walking away, back to her room and shutting the door. Fin turned to Nick.

"She gonna be okay?"

"That's the million dollar question!" he answered and continued with breakfast.

* * *

She sat up in bed, again forcing herself to eat yet another meal that she had no desire for. She was well aware that had it not been for this child, she'd probably be on her way to starving to death. Whenever she was stressed or traumatized, her appetite had always been the first to go. During the two weeks she'd been hospitalized after her ordeal last year, she was physically unable to even look at food and as her body got weaker, not just from hunger but from her numerous injuries, many of which had become infected from lack of care during captivity, the decision was made to place a feeding tube and… she shook the memory away and instead reveled in the feeling of her baby giving soft, swift kicks from inside, a welcome change from the organ-crushers he or she usually delivered. Just a couple of days ago, the baby had kicked her so hard in the ribs she'd doubled over and cried out loud as her eyes filled with tears. She'd tried not to cry them but it hurt that bad. Simply being in her ninth month of pregnancy was taking a tremendous toll on her already exhausted body, not to mention her emotions. She couldn't take it anymore and was a total mess by the time Brian had run into the kitchen and she remembered sobbing _"I want this over! I don't want to be pregnant anymore!" _ but right now, sitting here in bed, her hand roaming gently over the area where her baby was kicking softly, she was so incredibly thankful to have him or her tucked safely away inside her where nothing could harm it.

"We won't be together like this much longer." She said wistfully. "Soon, you'll be right here in my arms. Now, you might hear some screaming on your way out; probably some decorative language too, but don't be afraid; it'll be me…unless you decide to be one of those babies who comes out really easily. Of course, being half me and half your daddy, there's not a chance in hell of that happening! She watched her belly as the baby moved inside her and pushed out its little fist, just below the top of her swell. She traced its outline with her finger. Her tears began falling and suddenly, she was sobbing again, not even sure if it was hormones or sadness that drove her over the edge this time. She cupped her hand over her mouth, trying to muffle her sobs; the last thing she needed was Nick and Fin running in with S's on their chests, thinking she needed saving. She moved the tray away from her, deciding that she needed to lie down, barely a minute had passed before there was a knock on the door and Nick came in.

"Just wanted to see if you needed anything else before I left."

"I'm fine." He walked over to the bed and sat beside her, he could tell that she was crying even though she kept her back turned to him.

"You wanna talk?"

"No. I just wanna sleep."

"Ok." He stood up. "Oh, I found your phone in the couch. You might wanna charge it, the battery's pretty low."

"okay." He sat the phone down on the nightstand and stood there for a brief moment, wanting to say more but respecting her space and the fact that she didn't want to talk.

"…be back soon." He picked up the tray from the bed and left the room. She turned , reaching over to the nightstand and picking up her phone she noticed that she had a ton of missed calls but only three voice messages. The first message played, it was a hang up. the second message was from Casey:

"_Liv, oh my god, I just heard, I'll be on the first flight out tomorrow morning, stay strong, love you!"_

She deleted the message, making a mental note to call Casey later. The automated voice came back in her ear. _Next message, received Thursday 10:57am_

"_Hey Liv" _

she froze. "Bri?" she cried, sitting up as the message continued

"_I guess this phone thing's not working for us today which kinda sucks since I haven't talked to you all morning. I hate that I have to cut this call short but, hey, duty calls right?" _

she smiled, her tears flowing. There was a lengthy pause and then:

"_I don't know if I say it enough, but I love you and I love the life we have together…"_

"Babe, I love you too!" she cried.

"…_you're everything." _another brief pause. _"Anyway, I gotta go, Luke's bein an ass as usual!"_

She laughed through her tears, knowing the camaraderie between Luke and Brian. She could only imagine how Luke must have been teasing Brian.

"_I'll be off in time to pick you up, I love you babe!"_

The message ended and for a long time she simply sat there and cried, replaying the message until her battery gave out.

* * *

**ONE WEEK LATER…**

The week that followed was a difficult one. With having to plan Brian's funeral, and deal with Mary, Olivia found herself completely overwhelmed. Normally, she was great at holding her own against Mary's overbearing personality, but in her current mind state, she didn't argue or even disagree with anything Mary said, even when it came to the decisions about Brian's funeral. When choices were put in front of her, Mary would usually voice her opinion before Olivia could even open her mouth to speak and Olivia would acquiesce with "_okay" _and leave it at that. She'd completely taken over Olivia's life! When she wasn't dealing with the funeral arrangements, she did nothing but sleep day and night. She wouldn't talk to anyone except the baby. She wouldn't come out of her room. She simply retreated into herself, feeling angry at the world and everyone in it.

The day of the funeral was the hardest. Her tears began the very moment she opened her eyes. She didn't know how she was going to get through it. She groaned and slowly pulled herself into a sitting position, the baby was already on a painful kicking spree.

"Please baby, mama needs you to settle down! She said through ragged breaths as she rubbed her belly trying to calm her child. She was exhausted. There had been so much to deal with this past week and now, today she would have to bury her husband, say goodbye to the man she loved for the last time. She had no idea how she was going to get through it.

She got out of bed and arched her aching back; God, it hurt so badly! Between that and the insane pressure that was now constant in her abdomen since her belly had dropped, she was in continuous discomfort round the clock. She walked over to the armchair where her uniform was laid out; she hadn't worn one since attending the funeral of the young officer that Lewis had killed last year and now, here she was putting it on for Brian's funeral. She reached out and fingered the many decorations she'd earned that adorned her jacket and for the first time in her 20-plus years with the department, she thought that none of it meant anything. Her husband had been just as decorated an officer as she and today he would be buried with full honors, NYPD sparing no extravagance to tribute one of their most respected who had fallen in the line of duty. But right now, as far as Olivia was concerned, it was all just pageantry; it wouldn't change the fact that her husband was dead or that she was now left alone and pregnant to raise their child who would be here any day now. She wondered how she would get through the delivery without him there; if she was sure of anything it was that she would need him when the time came. He'd know what to do if… she quickly dropped the thought.

"Ah!" she cried and drew in a sharp breath through her teeth as a pain shot through her abdomen. She gripped the chair with one hand as she clutched the underside of her belly with the other and slowly blew out a deep breath. The pain lasted for a good 30 seconds before it went away and just as soon as it was gone, she shrugged it off. She had experienced false labor pains before and she was sure that this was all it was – another rehearsal for the big event.

_1 month ago, 35 weeks…_

"_If these are just warm-ups, how bad is the real thing gonna be? Owww!" she cried from where she lay in their bed, curled on her side. She was having another contraction and it hurt like hell! The doctor told her that it was most likely just false labor and that she should wait to see if they came closer together before coming to the hospital. Though they had begun drifting further apart, as the doctor predicted they would, it had been two hours since they started and there was nothing false about the pain she was in._

"_Babe, I know it hurts but try to relax." he said soothingly into her ear. "Doc said they should stop soon." He was holding her hand, trying his best to comfort her while he lay beside her, his body curved protectively around hers._

"_Soon isn't coming fast enough!" she groaned while slightly shifting her position. _

"_I know, but it shouldn't be much longer." He reminded._

"_I hope you're still this calm when I'm in real labor!" she breathed easy as the contraction finally stopped, relaxing her body against his._

"_I'll be as calm as you need me to be. Besides, you'll breeze right through it!" _

"_You're way too confident."_

"_That's because I learned a long time ago that I should never underestimate my wife; she's a total badass!" She looked over at him lovingly and smiled as he raised her hand to his lips and kissed it._

She wiped a stray tear as she snapped out of her reverie. _No tears, Olivia!_ She told herself. Today she would keep it together, today she would be strong. She had cried non-stop for the past week; she could not, would not appear a weak blubbering mess in front of the entire department. She would not have them pity her; she would be strong because she knew that the best way to honor her husband's memory was to not fall apart. She'd come completely undone this past week but today, she would pull it together and she was determined to make him proud! She kept that thought in mind as she headed to the bathroom for a shower and to march into what would be the hardest thing she'd ever have to do!

* * *

She thought she could get through today without crying, but she lost that battle the very second she saw the number of Police officers who turned out for the funeral, there were literally thousands of them lining the streets for the procession; she couldn't believe her eyes! It was as if every cop in the entire tri-state area had shown up to pay their respect. Upon arriving at the cathedral, she was greeted by the Mayor and the Police commissioner, both of whom would be speaking at the service today and who offered their condolences.

The service was beautiful, hearing the people who knew Brian have such wonderful things to say about him warmed her heart but did nothing to dull the ache inside it, everything seemed like a blur. Luke got up to give the eulogy before the final prayer, she was worried because he hadn't been able to pull it together the entire time but when he got to the podium, he looked at her, then took a look over at Brian's coffin and he somehow summoned the strength to do what he had to do. His speech was a beautiful tribute to the man who was both his partner and his friend and by the time he was done, there was not a single dry eye in the entire building, even Fin had been reduced to tears!

After leaving the church, the procession made its way to the cemetery where amongst other honors, there was a flyover, 21 gun salute, bagpipes and dove release before the last radio call was performed. She choked back sobs as the police dispatcher made the live call over the air and she waited, almost expecting to hear his voice to come over the airwaves but instead there was a lengthy silence as the dispatcher repeated the call and was met with more silence. Finally her tear-filled voice came over the air for the final time:

_Detective Brian Cassidy ended his watch on Thursday, August 4__th__ 2014. Gone but not forgotten. All units, break for a moment of silence. _

Olivia's sobs came spilling out of her so powerfully, her body shook. Alex hadn't let go of her hand since they'd gotten here, Casey was an even bigger mess than Amanda was, and Mary, in a sincere display of affection, put her arms around her daughter-in-law and held her. Olivia's squad stood by, again, annihilated at seeing their leader so broken. They all wept openly and unashamed, as did every officer there. After a moment, Olivia managed to compose herself somewhat; no longer sobbing, but still in tears. Finally, after a few other traditions and more words, the flag that draped Brian's casket was removed and folded before being presented to her by the honor guard. And after a long, yet beautiful ceremony, on a beautiful summer day; Detective Brian Cassidy was laid to rest, his casket lowered into the ground as his Wife, Mother, Friends and NYPD family looked on solemnly.

* * *

**BENSIDY APARTMENT EARLY EVENING**

After a long and emotionally draining day she was finally home and thankful to have some quiet time to herself. Mary had gone home to her own house and after much persuading, she was able to convince Nick, Fin, Amanda and Don that she didn't need babysitting and would be alright by herself tonight. She just needed time to let the days' events sink in. One thing was for sure, after so much standing and sitting on hard wooden seats all morning, her back was now hurting even worse than before. She quickly decided on a hot shower before going to bed, hoping that it would help alleviate the pain but she'd hoped in vain. While it had helped with the pain while she was under the water when she climbed into bed, lying down only made it worse! She tossed and turned for much of the night, thoroughly exhausted but unable to sleep because of the pain which had now graduated from a horrific ache, to sharp stabs that sent incredible shots of pain radiating through her entire lower back. She tried changing positions, she tried her body pillow but nothing seemed to help. It was now 1:46am. She finally gave up on sleeping and slowly got up. Her back was hurting so bad that she was in tears! She slowly made her way to the bathroom and opened the mirror above the sink, taking a bottle of Tylenol from it. Her hands were shaky as she opened the bottle. When she'd gotten the cap off, she shook two pills out into her hand and suddenly froze, staring at them as if they would jump from her palm at any second and harm her.

"you can do this, Olivia, just take the damn pills!" she scolded herself, the pain in her back reminding her of how much she needed them yet she just continued to stare at them.

"_SWALLOW!" Lewis demanded. He was sitting on her chest and forcing whiskey into her mouth to wash down the several Vicodin he'd practically shoved down her throat but she couldn't. She was gagging on the pills that were at the back of her throat and with the weight of him on her chest, she could barely breathe, much less swallow, and now, the whiskey was forcing her to choke._

"_You throw up, I'll make you eat it!"_

She quickly snapped out of the memory and threw the pills into the toilet then, picked up the still-open bottle and dumped them as well, flushing and dropping the empty container into the trash.

She made her way to the living room, deciding that maybe it would be better to sit instead of lying down but she found that to be an even bigger mistake as it only succeeded in putting more pressure on her lower back and she cried out, the intensity of it causing her eyes to fill with tears. She quickly reached over and grabbed the phone from its base and dialed. The phone rang once on the other end before Nick picked up.

"Liv, what's wrong?" He answered, worry in his voice. He quickly got out of bed.

"I'm sorry to bother you this late, I just…"

"Liv, you're not a bother. What's goin on?" he asked, already pulling on clothes.

"I don't know. My back is in so much pain."

"Did you take anything for it?" he stepped into a pair of sneakers.

"I couldn't… I…" he understood.

"It's ok. You need me to come over?" he was going anyway.

"Yes."

"Say no more, I'm on my way!" he put his phone in his pocket before going to the naked woman asleep in the bed. "hey, I gotta go, l'll let myself out."

"mmkay." She answered groggily before pulling him in for a sensuous kiss. "you were amazing!" she told him."

"yeah, you too. He said and placed a quick kiss on her lips then grabbed his car keys and left. She smiled as she turned over and got comfortable, quickly falling asleep again. They'd had a night of ridiculously wild sex. He'd fucked her brains out for hours and now she felt like she could sleep forever!

As he got in his black Denali and started the engine, he wondered aloud to himself, "How the fuck did I let myself end up in bed with Rollins?!"

* * *

**BENSIDY APARTMENT. 2:19 AM**

He'd gotten there exactly 24 minutes after she'd called him. With no traffic, he stuck the police light to his car and sped all the way there. She was in bad shape. He'd entered the apartment to find her lying on the couch propped up with half a dozen pillows.

"I used my key, I hope that's ok." He apologized as he rushed over to her. "How long have you been like this?"

"Not long."

"Liv…"

"…five or six hours."

"Five or six hours? Liv, are you kidding me, why didn't you call me sooner?"

"I didn't wanna…"

"…be a bother. Liv, you gotta stop thinking like that, especially now. You're 39 weeks pregnant; this baby could come any day… the pain in your back, is it high or low?"

"Low." She winced. He reached around to her back, resting his fingers against the base of her spine.

"Here?" she flinched

"No, don't touch it!" she cried, he quickly pulled his hand away.

"I'm sorry It's okay." He said, making sure to put both his hands in front of her where she could see them. "I'm just gonna apply a little pressure, it should help with the pain. Do I have your permission?"

"What? This isn't a flashback issue you ass, I don't want you to touch it because it hurts!" she cried. He smiled. He'd never been happier to hear Olivia yell at him. She just stared quizzically at him.

"Are you gonna let me rub your back?"

"You'll just make it worse!"

"I won't, I promise."

"Be easy." She said as he began kneading his knuckles into her back, putting pressure on just the right areas. She let out a relieved sigh as the pain immediately began to lessen.

"Have you called your doctor?" he asked as he continued.

"No."

"Well you should, this could be labor."

"I'm not having contractions."

"that's because they're in your back instead of… well you know."

"God, please don't say that. I'm sure this is just the result of being on my feet all day." She said, feeling sleep creeping up on her now that there wasn't so much pain and as her eyes began drifting closed….

"Nick… I really appreciate the way you've been here for us; and for being here now, I… thank you." That made him emotional and he tried to suck it up.

"Don't worry about it; try to get some sleep."

"Okay." She nodded and closed her eyes as he continued to massage her back. within minutes she was fast asleep, curled up on her side, her arm across her belly. he got up and covered her with the throw that was draped over the back of the sofa before going to the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee. It was going to be a long night and he wouldn't get much sleep; neither would Olivia, because though she was afraid to face it, he had gone through the exactly same thing when Zara was born –Maria had gone through an entire day of back labor before her contractions came. Olivia was definitely in labor and it was gonna be a long one!

* * *

**8:05 AM. HOSPITAL.**

They'd arrived at the hospital a little over an hour ago. She'd woken 3 times since falling asleep around 2:30am, had taken 3 hot showers and still no relief. She was still in denial that this could be labor, but when her water broke right around 6 this morning, there was no more denying! And while she was grateful to have been relieved of the tremendous pressure in her abdomen, she began to panic.

"Nick, I can't do this!" she cried as they drove to the hospital. He held her hand to calm her, she squeezed it hard, the pain in her back still unyielding and made worse by the car ride.

"Positive thoughts, remember?"

"Yeah. Positive thoughts…. Ohhhh!" she moaned, squeezing her eyes shut.

"Another contraction?" she nodded. "don't worry, we'll be there soon!

She met her labor and delivery nurse, Lena when they'd arrived at the hospital and decided that she liked her. Nick left the room while Lena assisted Olivia with changing and they discussed a few things like the details of her birth plan. After a while, Nick was allowed back in. She was doing good at first but then after about an hour, she changed. He could feel the desolation closing in on her and tried everything he could to make her feel better but she had slipped into her anger again and his efforts only made it worse to the point where she was now angry with him for no reason and demanded that he leave her alone. He understood that right now, she was just feeling sorry for herself and didn't mean the things she was saying, but he also knew that she needed to calm down or it would spell trouble for her and the baby so he left against his better judgment and went to the waiting room to give her time to calm down. besides, he had plenty company, the waiting room was full of NYPD!

* * *

**1:30PM…**

Her nurse was concerned. From the time she'd gotten here, she hadn't said a word except when it was absolutely necessary, and even then she kept it monosyllabic. She just lay in bed. No expression on her face or in her eyes. Only tears …a deluge of silently cried tears that never seemed to stop. Then after a few hours when the contractions began to intensify, the moaning came, but still, no words. She had refused any pain relief but right now, it was becoming too much for her to handle. She wouldn't let the nurses near her more than they medically needed to be. The only time she had heard her patient do any real talking was when she began yelling at the man who had brought her here. Something had obviously set her off and she demanded that he leave her alone. Reluctantly, he had retreated to the waiting room 2 hours ago. Was he still here? She knew that she shouldn't pry but she also knew that her job was to help her patient and right now, her patient was struggling; something was pulling her into a dark place and she was shutting down.

Lena left Olivia's room and walked down the hall to the nurses station. Maybe there was something in her file that could give her a bit of insight but then, maybe she really shouldn't pry. She stood there deciding what the best course of action should be when two of the newer nurses came by and were waiting for the elevator, gossiping as usual and loud enough for anyone within ten or fifteen feet to hear. Lena never liked these two very much, they were completely shallow and vapid and she had no idea how they'd even gotten in to nursing school.

"OMG, did you hear? We have a like a semi-celeb about to GB."

"Nuh uhh! Who?"

"that lady cop in 318…" Lena's ears couldn't help but fine-tune to their conversation. That was Olivia's room.

"Deets!"

"ok, so it was a really, really long time ago… like last year or something; anyway, this guy, he's like a total McHottie! He kidnapped her, had her hostage for like a month and beat the crap out of her, it was all over the news! I heard he even killed her dog!"

"That is like the saddest thing I've ever heard!" the shorter blonde said as the elevator doors opened. "Why would he hurt a dog?"

"Like, I don't know… maybe he's allergic!" the taller one said, shrugging as the doors closed. Lena was speechless! could there be some validity to what dumb and dumber just said? She pulled her phone from her pocket and quickly googled _female NYPD cop abducted_ and sure enough, there was Olivia. She clicked the first article and skimmed through it.

_NYPD Detective Olivia Benson… William Lewis… Detective Benson was abducted from her apartment… _the next part completely devastated her.

…_brutally raped and tortured for four days before being rescued._

She wished so hard that she'd never heard those airheads talking, but at least now she knew that her patient's odd behavior wasn't odd at all and she knew what she needed to do for her.

* * *

**WAITING ROOM...**

Nurse Lena was shocked when she walked into the waiting room and saw that it was filled, wall-to-wall with NYPD officers, sitting and standing anywhere they could. Had a crime been committed that she wasn't aware of?

"Excuse me." she spoke up as loud as she could. "I'm looking for the family of Olivia Cassidy." She was again shocked when every cop in the room turned to look at her and practically all of the voices said in unison, "That's us!" she was impressed!

"Wow! Ummm … the one who brought her in. I believe his name was Nick?"

"Hey, Amaro!" Luke called from the crowd. And within seconds, the crowd parted and Nick appeared in front of her.

"She okay?" was the first thing he asked as Amanda, and Munch gathered around. Cragen had meetings all day and Fin was on a case.

"She is…"

"But?" Amanda asked

"She'd probably kill me if she knew that I was out here!"

"Probably? Ah! I see you're an optimist!" Munch said. Lena smiled.

"Look, I know that she threw you out of the room earlier and told you to leave but I'm really glad that you're still here. She's not okay. I mean physically she's fine, considering… but she's having a really hard time emotionally. She needs someone in there." Nick didn't need another word before he pushed past Munch and headed back to Olivia's room.

* * *

Her contractions had gotten worse, longer and much closer together, that last one being even more brutal than the others. With the excruciating pain still in her back, her whole body felt like it was splitting apart and there was no way to find comfort which was why she chose shuffling around the room over being in that bed.

"Nick, leave! She ordered in a tired voice while hunched over the back of a chair. She didn't even turn to look at him. She knew that it was him there in the doorway and she was not going through this again with him.

"Liv, I just-" He began as he walked closer to her.

"Damn it Amaro! Do you understand the word 'leave'? I don't want you here!" she lied. "Now get the hell out!" she yelled, more at the pain shooting through her back than at him.

"look, you wanna be angry with me? you wanna pull rank, kick my ass? That's fine, but do it some other time because you don't need to be alone right now and I am not leaving you!

"Nick, please, I don't have the strength to fight with you!" She was obviously exhausted, and not just from the labor. She was still very much mourning Brian's loss and for her, that was still more painful than anything that she was experiencing physically right now.

"Then don't."

Even though her pride wouldn't let her admit it, she was thankful for Nick's stubbornness right now. She stood there momentarily boring into him with anger and resentment in her eyes, but he saw something else there too; relief! She wanted him here, even if she couldn't say it. He knew he was right when she began moaning at the start of another contraction, the moan escalating into a loud cry and she reached for his hand, gripping and squeezing it tight and panting heavily as she fought back tears, but the pain was too much and she gave in. Nick wasted no time and jumped right into coach mode.

"It's okay Liv. I got you. Just breathe!

"I can't do this! I need Brian!" she cried, squeezing her eyes shut while trying to get her breathing under control.

"I know, Liv"

"YOU DON'T KNOW!" she yelled before the pain caused her to cry out even louder. "He's supposed to be _here, _with me, with our baby. Not there! Not in a grave!" she was sobbing now. "He promised me, he swore that he wouldn't leave me, Nick, but he's g-gone and I'm here alone and I need him!"

"Liv, Brian loved you more than anything, he didn't leave you on purpose."

"but he's still gone." she cried, the pain forcing her to squeeze her eyes shut while she rode it out. When it finally passed, she slowly blew out deep cleansing breaths like Nick instructed her to as he held her hand. "I feel so angry with him for leaving me and I know how wrong that sounds, but I'm just so lost without him!"

"It's okay to feel that way, Liv you loved him." He said as he massaged her back with his free hand.

"I don't know how to do this; any of this without him!"

"But that's just it, you're already doin it." more tears streamed her face. "I miss him so much!"she turned to Nick and cried in his arms.

* * *

**12:25AM…**

"You're still only four centimeters dilated. Olivia, I know that you wanted to do this naturally…"

"I WILL do this naturally!" she made clear to the doctor, trying to steady her breathing.

"Honey you're not progressing. Your contractions say that you're in transition but you're not opening and we're running out of options."

"wh-what about cervical massage?" she was in the middle of a contraction and they were at their worst right now. "I read that it can…" she cried out loud, practically screaming as she gripped Nick's hand, forcing breath in and out of her lungs. "That it can break up the scar tissue and I'll dilate faster… Oh god!" she groaned pitifully.

"It can, but I'm not experienced with it."

"We're in a maternity ward! There has to be someone here who knows how!" Nick hastily reminded the doctor.

"Even if there is, you have to be made aware of how painful it would be."

"I'M ALREADY IN FUCKING PAIN!" she screamed then started to cry again. "My water broke over 18 hours ago, which leaves me less than 6 before I don't have a choice. I don't want surgery, and if this can help me avoid it, then I wanna do it and I don't care about the pain!"

"I'll see what I can…" the doctor began.

"Actually Doctor…" Nurse Lena interjected. "I can do it." a look of relief washed over Olivia. "I'm a licensed mid-wife I've done it dozens of times." She began pulling on gloves. "I won't lie, it's gonna hurt like hell!"

* * *

**1:52AM…**

An hour later, things had sped up considerably. Manipulating the scar tissue relaxed Olivia's cervix and it quickly dilated from 4 to 8 centimeters. Of course now that labor was progressing so fast that meant even more pain, her contractions were stronger and literally on top of each other. She was completely delirious from the pain. Nick never left her side, he held her hand, wiped her brow even let her scream at him when she needed to and when those brief moments would come where he could tell that she was drifting into dangerous emotional territory, he would quickly pull her back but as the hours wore on, it was becoming more and more difficult for her to stay lucid; crying out for Brian and asking why he hadn't gotten there yet. Nick tried his best, but she was beyond exhausted and he didn't know how much more she'd be able to take. He was thankful that Nurse Lena had volunteered to stay after her shift had ended. She was so good with Olivia and promised that she would stay with her until the baby was born, no matter how long it took. But another much younger nurse was on duty and she was completely useless! Her name was Tara and Nick thought that maybe the anesthesiologist has sent her in to drum up some business, because since she got here at 2:00PM, all she seemed to know how to do was suggest that Olivia have an epidural every couple hours.

The first couple times, Olivia brushed it off, assuming that perhaps she wasn't familiar with her birth plan and that she'd be doing this without drugs. But then the third time it became annoying and Lena quickly chastened her, telling her to drop the issue. Now, Olivia lay here in bed, drenched in sweat and literally screaming through powerful contractions while crushing Nick's hand and Nurse Tara decided once again to offer up her magical advice.

"It's probably not too late to get that epidural." Before Nick knew what was happening, Olivia had reached out and grabbed Nurse Tara by the hair and yanked her head down so that she was face to face with her.

"SAY EPIDURAL ONE. MORE. TIME!" she threatened, looking as if she'd been possessed by a demon. All of the color drained from Tara's face and she was now white as a ghost!

"I'm sorry." She squeaked scared shitless as Olivia released her and Lena walked back in the room. Nick had to fight to keep from laughing.

"Thank God, Lena please get her out of here! Oh God…." She cried, taking deep breaths and drawing her legs back. she was suddenly overcome with powerful pressure "Oh God, I need to push! " She cried out as it intensified. "NOW!"

"you feeling pressure?" Olivia nodded as she moaned.

"A lot!" the urge to push was overwhelming.

"Ok honey, I'm gonna check your dilation. you, outside, now!" she barked at Tara after having just spoken so sweetly to Olivia.

A moment later…

"No wonder you feel so much pressure, your baby's head is right at your cervix you're fully dilated. I'm gonna get the doctor, I want you to try not to push!" she said and hurried from the room.

* * *

Just 27 minutes later, at 2:19 in the morning, there was a long, agonizing scream from Olivia's room, quickly followed by a baby's cries. Moments later Nick walked out into the waiting area, where there were still literally dozens of police officers gathered to lend Olivia their support. They all stopped what they were doing and turned their attention to Nick. There was dead silence as they anxiously waited for him to speak.

"IT'S A BOY!" Nick announced. Instantly, the room erupted with thunderous cheers, many of the officers even breaking down in tears at the joyous news.

"How's Liv?" Cragen asked, teary eyed and beaming like a proud Grandpa.

"Exhausted, but she's fine Captain! They put her son in her arms and… she can't stop smiling!"

"Lord knows, if anybody deserves to smile, it's Liv!" Amanda said.

"You tell Baby Girl how happy we are for her and let her know we'll be back as soon as they allow visiting hours!" Fin said as he hugged Nick. "Thanks for bein there for her!"

Luke made his way over to Nick.

"A boy!" he said, teary eyed and smiling. "Man! He'd be so proud! You're a good guy, Amaro!" he said and threw his arms around Nick in a bear hug. Luke was a big guy and lifted Nick off his feet, spinning him around.

"Okay there, big guy!" Nick said. Luke quickly set him back down.

"Sorry about that. Tell Liv congratulations!" he said to Nick before turning to the crown of officers. "hey guys, let's go have a drink with Cassidy and tell him his boy is here!" Captain Johnson quickly spoke up to the mob as they began making their exodus:

"Keep in mind, each of you that you are police officers and I expect you all to behave as such!"

"Yes Sir!" they all answered before leaving.

"we should probably get out of here too." Cragen said. "Tell Liv I'm proud of her!"

"Sure thing Cap!"

"Give Detective Benson my best!" Captain Johnson said as he shook Nick's hand. He and Cragen walked out together.

"I'm gonna stop by the ME's office and give Melinda the news…Rollins, you comin?" Fin asked.

"Yeah, just gonna use the little girls room; I'll meet you outside in five!"

"Cool!" he walked away, running to catch the elevator before the doors closed. Amanda looked behind her until she was sure that everyone was gone then nervously stepped closer to Nick.

"That was a pretty great thing you did, being there for Liv like that." She said, fidgeting with her fingers.

"I couldn't let her go through it alone. I just hope I don't have to pull my gun anytime soon because my trigger hand is done! I think she cracked a few bones!" they both grinned, a lengthy, awkward silence between them.

"Nick, about last night… I'm sorry if I pushed things farther than you wanted to – "before she could finish he pulled her into his arms and kissed her with all his with all his might. She immediately threw her arms around him and kissed him back just as hungrily. They went on like that for a long moment before he pulled away, leaving her dazed.

"I did what I did last night because I wanted to do it. Not because you pushed. Okay?"

"Okay." She said, smiling. He continued looking down at her, keeping his face close to hers, his hand on the back of her neck.

"You workin today?"

"Off at seven tonight."

"Good. I'll be there at 8… and when you answer the door, the only thing I better see you wearing are stilettos!" she was speechless and simply nodded. He smiled slyly. "See you tonight." He said and walked away. A slight moan escaped her lips. She was absolutely dripping between her thighs! She couldn't move from the spot she was standing in and just watched him walk away not realizing that she had slipped her hand into her blouse and was touching herself while she bit her lip. Then just as quickly, she snapped out of it and withdrew her hand from her blouse, embarrassed. _Thank God no one was here to see that! _She thought. She'd have to remember to do something extra special for Olivia, not just because of the birth but because she had put this whole thing with Nick in motion. Liv was right, sometimes they are right under your nose! Amanda Rollins was a very happy girl as she left the hospital early that A.M.

* * *

Just before 6:00AM, Olivia groggily opened her eyes and focused them on the figure that was standing by the window in her room. The sun hadn't quite yet come up and the room was very dimly lit. She immediately felt her heart begin to race.

"Bri?" she called, barely above a whisper."

"Nah, it's just me, Liv." Nick answered as he turned around, her baby boy cradled in his arms. When she saw her tiny bundle, her anxiety immediately faded away and her body relaxed; a beautiful, smile spreading across her face.

"I thought I dreamed him!" she said softly.

"Nope." Nick said as he walked towards her bed. "he's here… all 9 pounds, 14 ounces of him!"

"My little linebacker!"

"The nurse brought him in a little while ago so you could try feeding him. But he seemed pretty content and you looked so peaceful I decided to keep him company until you woke up." he said as he carefully placed the sleeping newborn into her waiting arms. "There's mommy." He cooed to the baby. Olivia looked down at her son, her tears came swiftly but they were happy tears."

"I can't believe how beautiful he is, or that he came out of me… did I really do this?" she asked, never taking her eyes away from him, her fingers marveling over every inch of him; from the top of his little head that was covered in thick, dark curls, to the toes of his tiny foot that had slipped from the receiving blanket that loosely swaddled him. "hey little bug." She said sweetly as her son stirred and stretched in her arms. "are you gonna open your eyes for mama?" she continued in the same soft voice. The baby squirmed a bit more and scrunched his little face before slowly opening his eyes and just like in the delivery room when the doctor put him in her arms just a few hours ago, she was amazed to see Brian's hazel eyes staring back at her; she smiled as her tears dropped and her son wrapped his little fingers around the tip of hers. She turned to look at Nick.

"Nick I… thank you."

"for what?"

"for everything. You've been holding my hand since that day Cragen took me into his office and didn't let go… and you held on even tighter these last two days when I needed you the most, you're pretty damn amazing Amaro!" he teared up.

"You're not so bad yourself!" he sniffled.

"Are you crying?"

"No, there's something in my eye." She looked down at the baby.

"Uncle Nick's crying!"

"Uncle Nick does not cry!" he smiled looking down at the baby. There was a short silence.

"go home, get some sleep. You must be exhausted." She said as the baby began to fuss.

"yeah, besides, I think little man's hungry so that's definitely my cue to leave! He said and got up from the chair beside her bed. "you did good!"

"Thanks partner."

"Do you need me to send the nurse in?"

"I think I can manage." She'd taken a ton of breastfeeding classes, watched every video she could find, and read lots of books. Hell, she knew enough to _write_ a book. She was definitely able to do this without help. Besides, she didn't want to deal with more awkward stares at her scars and was quite pleased with herself and relieved when she got the baby properly latched on the first try. She let out a deep breath as she adjusted to discomfort and looked down at her son happily nursing without a care in the world. She ran her fingertips through his beautiful dark curls that peeked from under the little hat that covered his head and smiled.

"I have no idea what I'm doing!" she wiped her tears. "But I do know that you are the one thing that your Daddy and I were determined to do absolutely right and I think we got off to a pretty good start. I just wish… I just wish that he could see you, and hold you. He would have been so proud! He already loved you so much; but don't worry, love is the one thing you will never be short on, you got a great big family waiting to love you. Your uncle Nick, you already know him pretty well, your uncle Fin can seem scary but he's a softie. There's uncle Luke and Grandpa Don…but you'll meet them all soon. Right now, it's just you and me huh baby?...baby…" she laughed to herself. "You don't have a name. I wanted to give you your daddy's name but he thought…" she paused as if suddenly remembering something. "Aidan!" she thought of that last little note Brian had scribbled out. "Your daddy liked Aidan; and I think it fits you perfectly!" she said as a tear slid down her face.

* * *

Outside in the parking lot, Nick sat in his car, tears streaming his face, his body shaking from the sobs he was trying desperately to hold in. he loved her so much, it was killing him inside! He felt it from the moment her first met her, the first time she looked at him with those big, beautiful brown eyes he was lost in them and from that day all he ever wanted to do was love and protect her but it wasn't meant to be for them. She'd found her happiness with someone else and it was hard but he loved her enough to accept it because her happiness was the most important thing in the world to him. And so, he gladly accepted his place as her friend as long as it meant being in her life.

Tonight as he held her hand and watched her go through the agony of bringing her son into the world, every fiber of his entire being wished that he could have been helping her bring _his _son into the world and he felt like a horrible person for wishing it because Brian had been his friend and even now with Brian gone, he knew that he could never tell her how he feels because it wouldn't be right and because she would never be ready to hear it and because he had finally come to accept the fact that her heart would never be his, but accepting it didn't make it painless. Yet still he knew that it was time to move one. He knew the day of Brian's funeral that it was time. He would always love her… but he had to move on with his life. With that thought in mind, he wiped his tears, started the engine and drove.

* * *

**2 DAYS LATER**

After two days, Olivia and the baby were released from the hospital and Nick was there to pick them up and take them home. Once the bags were loaded and Olivia and the baby were safely inside the car, he got into the driver's seat and strapped himself in, checking the rearview mirror to see that his passengers were ok.

"Liv?"

"hmm?" she asked while she looked down at her beautiful sleeping child.

"Your seat belt."

"Oh, um…" she was a bit embarrassed. Not sure how to explain to him that her breasts were terribly swollen and that it made wearing the seatbelt painful. Fidgeting in her seat, she looked away and he quickly caught on.

"Swelling." He grinned suddenly remembering. "Sorry" She sighed, thankful that she'd avoided _that _conversation.

"It's okay, Nick."

"I'll…drive slow." He said then started the car.

"Actually, would you mind if we made a stop before you take us home?"

"Sure. Where to?"

"The cemetery." She answered barely above a whisper then let out a deep breath "Brian should meet his son." she said then looked over at the baby again, wiping away the single tear that was rolling down her face. Nick cleared his throat and sniffed. He was choked up beyond belief.

"Yeah." He said when he was finally able to speak, tears evident in his voice.

They arrived at the cemetery almost an hour later. Nick helped Olivia out of the car and carefully put Aidan in her arms. It a was perfect mid-August morning, a beautiful breeze blowing through the trees that lined the cemetery as she slowly made her way to her husband's grave

_I remember the first day I met you  
we were so young  
you were a blessing and there was no guessing  
you were the one_

Kneeling there, she was motionless for a long moment while she stared blankly at his headstone, a single tear rolling down her cheek as her fingers touched the cool marble. She inhaled a sharp breath before she spoke.

"Hey babe. Someone's here to see you." She said and looked down at her son sleeping peacefully in her arms. "This is your son, Aidan Brian Cassidy

_Love is so crazy, we had a baby  
and said our vows  
that's when you told me should anything happen  
I can hear you now, you told me_

_If the sun comes up  
and I'm not home, be strong  
If I'm not beside you  
do your best to carry on_

"You said all along that it was a boy." She forced a sad smile, but the tears just wouldn't stop and she gave up trying to fight them. "I know you didn't want to name him after you but he looks so much like you…he even has your eyes. there's so much of you in his already. It's comforting,

_Tell the kids about me  
when they're old enough to understand  
tell them that their daddy  
was a good man_

I miss you, so much!" she whispered. "I miss your eyes. I miss your smile, I miss your laugh and I miss feeling your arms around me because I always felt so safe in them. You taught me how to breathe again when everything fell apart, and now I'm struggling for every breath without you. You were the first man to ever show me what it means to truly be loved and I wonder every day if you knew how much I love you? Did I say it enough? Did I show it enough?

first anniversary remember we chose a star  
and as I stand under it  
I can't help but wonder  
If you see it where you are?

For whatever reason  
we don't see the seasons change again  
Go there with peace of mind  
we'll meet on the other side  
'cause true love don't end

"I made promise on our wedding day…we promised each other forever and I have every intention on keeping that promise. I will love you until the day I draw my last breath, and hopefully you were right and we can be somewhere beautiful together." She tried swallowing the lump in her throat but it couldn't hold back the guttural sob that escaped her as a deluge of tears spilled from her eyes. I love you so much! And I'm trying so hard to be strong for Aidan and I promise I will. I'm gonna take such good care of him, I promise!" the baby suddenly began squirming in her arms.

Oh baby if the sun comes up  
and you're not home, I'll be strong  
If you're not beside me  
I'll do my best to carry on

I'll tell the kids about you  
when they're old enough to understand  
I'll tell them that their daddy  
was a good man

"I should probably get him home; he'll need to be fed soon; I can't exactly whip it out in the middle of the cemetery." She gave a small laugh as she wiped at her tears. "I love you! I love you and our son will love you, our son will know you because I will tell him! He'll know what an honorable man his father was, how brave you were and I'll make sure he knows how much you loved him from the moment you knew he'd come to be but more than anything I will do everything I can to make sure that he grows up to be a good man just like his father was." she stared at his headstone for a long moment, her tears still falling before she moved one of the bouquets and used it's bunched stems to dig a small well at the base of the headstone. The soil was still pliable so she had no trouble and when it was deep enough, she took a small picture from her shirt pocket. It was a photo of her holding Aidan in the hospital just a few hours after he was born. Cragen had snapped it when he visited later that morning. She placed the picture in the well she dug and used the flowers to cover it with the soil before placing them back in their place. She said then kissed her fingers and laid the kiss upon his tombstone. "We'll see you soon."

two eyes looking up at me  
pointing to the picture like, where is he?  
ma, are you okay? what did the paper say?  
To make you cry that way

It said your daddy lived for you  
and your daddy died for you  
and I'll do the same

* * *

Later that morning she sat in Aidan's room, in the rocker while she nursed him. She stared down at him and he looked up at her, his eyes wide and she burst into tears.

"Don't worry baby, they're happy tears. I was just thinking about the night your daddy found out that we were having you. It was early Christmas morning, and he had just surprised mama with a beautiful ring… she continued softly recounting last Christmas morning to their son who amazingly, seemed to be listening while he continued nursing. She would smile as she looked at him, she couldn't believe that he was hers. Brian was gone but he had left her with the most incredible gift, the most precious gift he could have given her and because of this gift she knew that in spite of her broken heart, she would be just fine because her world was right here cradled in her arms.

now baby if the sun comes up  
and I'm not home, be strong  
If I'm not beside you  
do your best to carry on

And tell your kids about me  
when they're old enough to understand  
tell them that your daddy  
was a good man

* * *

**JUNE 2038. TWENTY FOUR YEARS LATER**

"And so it is with great honor that we present the Mayors award to our graduating class Valedictorian, who is not only our top graduate but is an NYPD legacy. His father, Detective Brian Cassidy was one of the finest and his mother NYPD Police Commissioner, Olivia Benson who we are honored to have here today is a living legend in our fine city." Olivia looked over at her son and smiled. She'd never been more proud of him. "We present to you Officer Aidan Cassidy."

As he took the podium amid thunderous applause and began his speech, Olivia couldn't help but think about Brian as Aidan stood there looking so much like him, wearing his father's shield. she thought about him growing up and how he was always so fascinated with his dad. He never got tired of hearing stories and since he was three, he would tell Olivia that when he grew up he would be a cop like daddy. The gang had all turned out to see her son graduate the academy. Nick, who was the chief of detectives was there with is wife. He and Amanda had recently celebrated their 22nd wedding anniversary. It had taken Nick a while but he'd fallen in love with Rollins. And she'd given him 3 beautiful children, twin boys who were now 21 years old and recent college graduates, and a daughter who was 17 and fresh out of high school.

Fin and Melinda finally worked out their feelings and had been together since Aidan's first birthday. Alex was there, she never married or had children but Aidan was her pride and Joy. Casey ended up coming back to New York in 2015 and was now a judge. Cragen, in probably the most unusual twist, he and Mary bonded over baby Aidan and had been together for over 20 years. As for Olivia, she never married again but she was happy. Brian had been the love of her life and that was all she needed. Besides, Aidan had gotten married right after college and she now had 2 beautiful granddaughters to lavish her affection on in addition to her son, who stood in front of her on stage soon to take his oath to protect and serve. _He really is so much like his father! _ She thought.

* * *

**THANKS FOR READING, I HOPE YOU ENJOYED! REVIEWS ARE ALWAYS WELCOME, THANKS AGAIN!**

**SONG CREDIT: A GOOD MAN BY INDIA ARIE**


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